Love

I’m Back

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I haven’t blogged in such a long time! So much has happened too and I have told myself a million times to keep writing but I have just been useless at it. I think I left off with Ghosting Shit Head (Tiny) being a bit of a dick. He messed me about basically. I haven’t spoken to him in months and I don’t plan to. I did bump into him the other week while taking my son to nursery… and I was shoving a big bagel in my mouth. Good times.

I moved! I moved into my new house and so far it has been great. I am actually in the middle of decorating my sons room and it is a ball ache! It’s not even a big room, just a nice sized room but I hate painting. It kills me. Thankfully his play room doesn’t need doing any time soon and when it does it is just one wall that needs painting. It feels like home now. The first few weeks were just meh, I had to get used to the sounds and figure out where things went and make it my own. And it is slowly getting there. Still some personal touches to be done but so far so good.

I go to the gym as well as swimming now. I absolutely love it! I wish I could go more but unfortunately can’t. I also volunteer now in a shop which is cool. I officially dropped out of uni. I really don’t have much to talk about! To be honest I’m not in the mood either so this is no effort at all. No confessions or stories or rambles. I think I am going to start doing a weekly thing, still write about my life, tell stories like before, talking about thoughts and whatever else pops into my head or whatever has gone on that week.

Oh and me and Sweet Pea got back together.

Fuck The Hipster, Vodka Is Better

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I am majorly pissed off. Things with Tiny had been going well, a few bumps but nothing that was too bad. But for about 2/3 weeks it has been all over the place and I don’t know why I am still allowing the crap to happen. To put it simply…

  • Met up, things were all good, saw each other a fair bit, all was good
  • The whole conversation of what we are happened and we agreed to be exclusive
  • The week after, we both kissed other people
  • Week after that, he told me he didn’t want to be exclusive

I was hurt by it but I thought it was going to be ok. After that he began ghosting me. I was upset but started to feel ok about it. I gave it one last chance and he got back in touch with me and we agreed to go out. Tonight. But he has now said he is feeling too rough. That is all. No apology or anything. I give up. I am mad.

I want to go out! I haven’t been out properly for fucking ages. I need to just go blow off some steam. I have asked my best mate to come out but she is on a tight leash with her fella. I do not like him at all and I have never met him, just heard things about him. He sounds like a fucking arsehole. I really hope she sees sense and comes out.

And yet again I had sex with Sweet Pea! I know, I know… but it just happened! I honestly wasn’t trying for it or anything. We were talking about nothing in particular, I said something silly and he told me to shut up or something. I said make me and he was all I’ll make you with my cock. So we were joking and I told him to fucking try it and he came over and said he can’t reach as I was stood up and all of a sudden we were kissing. Nothing happened then, I went upstairs to start cleaning. I was putting away some socks and opened his drawers to find a pregnancy test. My world began to fall apart. I called for him to come up. I was on the verge of throwing up and passing out. He explained that his friend had given it to him for when we had a little scare. His mate didn’t believe that I thought I was pregnant. Sweet Pea never gave it to me as he didn’t think I was lying. I felt better and laughed. We started kissing again and one thing led to another. It was good. It is always so comfortable and easy with him. I kind of spoiled it by mentioning the girls he has fucked…. I was wondering why for the last few months when we have sex he hasn’t come unless he gives himself a hand. I thought the sex wasn’t good enough for him. I mentioned something about him coming with the other girls… Anyways, the sex ended and he was in a mood which is understandable. Everything is ok now.

I really hope I can go out tonight. I love the routine of getting ready. I enjoy having a full wash, scrub and shave. I enjoy giving myself a facial. I enjoy doing my makeup and hair. I enjoy getting dressed up. I hardly wear makeup so on nights out I like to feel special. And it is all for me. I am shit at taking care of myself, especially when depressed so I take great pride when it is a night out. I am hoping to start a routine when I move of looking after myself more. I also want to getting wrecked. Vodka is calling out to me.

I am definitely staying single. Even casual things aren’t casual. I can’t be bothered with the games and the messing about. Use your fucking words instead of ghosting and lying. Bag of fucking shit

Losing, Losing, Lost

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Today I had an assessment. It was with a person in the mental health sector. She was really nice, made me feel at ease and I talked to her openly. She thinks I have some kind of emotional/mood disorder, but we both agreed it is more important to have treatment than a diagnosis. I don’t care what my illness is called, I just want to be better and to cope with it. While I was talking to her about my relationships with First Love, Sweet Pea and even Tiny, I realised just how fucked up things are/were. Especially with Sweet Pea. Having to say out loud the current situation, the cycle of: Shag, argue, argue, flirt, get on, shag… I knew it wasn’t great but telling her really made me see. That doesn’t mean it will stop. I know I will still drunk text him, I will still get angry and upset when I see him talking to other girls, I will still feel pain about the break up and how much of a shit he doesn’t give, I will still crave his touch, relish his smell, think about him all the time.

I told her of my plans for when I move. I told her about how I feel, my self harm, suicide attempts… It was only an hour long session so it wasn’t in depth stuff. But I felt better afterwards just having someone to talk to. I am being referred to a psychologist as she thinks I need something more than counselling. She is trying to get me some sleeping tablets too. Hopefully I will actually be able to start sleeping properly! At times it felt like she thought I was coping well and I wasn’t that ill; I struggle to word how I feel and what I do. Yes I can force myself to act normal and act like I’m living my life, that doesn’t mean I am ok, it just means I am good at holding it in and waiting to unleash.

Today has been an ok day. I felt good waking up early and going swimming and having my appointment and seeing my new house again. I feel shit in my current home. I hate being here. I feel shit. I am dreading Sweet Pea coming home. I am currently not talking to him. Something happened last night and he was nasty with me and just mean. He really knows how to hurt me. Even this morning he was shitty. My heart aches. My chest, my stomach, my arms, my legs, my head, my eyes… They all hurt. My insides and outsides are in pain. It hurts to breathe. I can feel the tears wanting to burst out. I need a drink, I want to cut, I want to burn myself, I want to be mutilated. I want to get fucked up, fuck anybody, stay in the dark, not eat, chain smoke. I can feel my mood lower with every passing minute. I can practically see it, a mist is clouding my eyes, my body is shutting down. I want to go to the fucking shop and buy booze. I have managed to fight the urge to drink in the house for quite a while now but I don’t know if I can. I have wanted to drink all day. I want to smoke weed. I want vodka.

Maybe today hasn’t been ok.

Goodbye To You

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Dear Sweet Pea,

This is my goodbye to you. I was going to write it down before I left and leave you it but I thought it best to do it this way. At least I can say anything and don’t have to worry about you actually reading it. Doubt you would give a shit about it anyways.

You broke my heart. No, you broke more than my heart. You broke every little fibre in my body. You chose to leave me instead of fix things. You never gave me a chance. I have felt such anger and hatred towards you for doing that to me. You betrayed me. You swore we would always work on things, nothing would break us up, you wanted to be with me forever. You asked me to marry you. And what felt like two minutes later, you changed your mind. I wish I could say I understand, that I forgive you and that I hope you will be happy with whomever you choose to be with. But that would be a huge fucking lie. Right now I want you to be miserable and alone and regret all the horrible shit you have done.

I never thought you could hurt me. You have said some of the nastiest things I have heard. You lied and manipulated and used me. You made me cry so many times. You ignored me, didn’t care, just left me. You didn’t care about me while I was in hospital. You haven’t cared about me while we have still been living together and you have seen how much I have struggled. You have been ACTING fine. You have SEEMED fine. And you probably actually have been fine. There have been no tears, no begging, no talking, nothing. You have done nothing. And that hurts so much. It hurts how little you care. I cannot put into words how much I hurt. Even now after almost 4 months.

I have just about gotten over the thing with the man beast and now I find out you have fucked someone else. Someone else you said you weren’t interested in. You didn’t have to tell me. You know how much it hurts me. You know how much I struggle. But you still like to fuck with my head. You are a fucking cunt who deserves to be alone. You act like a nice guy and all that bullshit, you act like nobody wants you but you are happy to use people. I think you enjoy it. But still I find myself in love with you.

You are the love of my life. You always will be. I love your smile, your hair, your smell, yours arms, your stomach… basically all of your outsides. And I also love your insides. Your kindness, how funny you are, you’re smart, open minded, geeky as hell, loving… you had everything I wanted. You still do. To me you are perfect, even with your many fucking flaws. I have never loved someone so much and I doubt I ever will. I will never get over you, I will never forget you, I will just somehow learn to live with it. But I will always feel an emptiness. I wish I could tell you how much I loved you, it is an infinite amount. I love you unconditionally. I know I would coming back running to you if you ever asked. I know you never will though, even in 6 months or 6 years. I know you will get over me and move on. You used to say you loved me more but I know you don’t.

I think about you every day, every night. I lay in bed imagining what it will be like bumping into you. It always goes the same… it’s about a year and a half after I move out, I am awesome and doing well, bump into you while I am out with my many friends and we decide to meet up some time and we have sex and get back together and happily ever after. Fucking stupid I know. It’s the only thing getting me through all this. The only way I can sleep.

I want to apologise for allowing my depression to take over. I know I let myself go and let it take over. But you never gave me the chance to get out of it. You don’t know what I am like when I have an episode. I wallow and eventually drag myself out of it. It was hard to do anything while it was bad. I said things too I know and I could never apologise enough for that. I never wanted anyone else. I felt so alone and reached out to the wrong people. You see, I push people away. I never feel like I deserve anything good when I am having an episode. And I really didn’t feel like I deserved your love. I was so scared of losing you that I lost you!

Just before I leave I am going to make thing horrible between us. I want it to end badly. I don’t want a friendly goodbye hug. I want to destroy everything. I know it might seem silly, but I cannot cope with us pretending to be happy. You won’t be pretending anyways. I know I will be sobbing for weeks, I already feel like I need to drink.

I love you so much. You are my Sweet Pea and I am your Jelly Bean. Forever. I will never forget when we met, the book, that night. All the good and bad times will stay with me. My heart will always be yours. Please don’t forget me. Please love me forever. Please get your head out of your arse and be with me. I promise I am going to get myself sorted. I am going to win you back. I mean it.

All my love xxx

Old vs New

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

So I wrote a post last week saying how shit things were but then my laptop decided to fuck up and I lost what I had written. I gave up and just left it. But this post isn’t about any bad shit. This is a happy post!

There is a guy. Not New Guy. Forget him, I lost interest (it happens a lot and it might even happen with this guy for now it’s WOW). Let’s call him… Tiny. I was on Tinder around Christmas time and swiped on someone, it was a match so I said hi to him. He replied asking if I recognised him, to which I immediately began reeling off guys I had hooked up with. Turns out I had met this guy drunkenly at a club and hit on him and his then girlfriend. We have mutual people. Anyways, we chatted for a bit and he asked to meet up. I said yes and we did. We went for drinks and it was good. He is a bit taller than me and so thin (I like thin guys), had on a cool/funny dog top on and saggy skinny jeans and hair and glasses…. Yum! We ended up going back to his and watched a terrible film. We also got it on. Just kissing. It was ok. I was a bit disappointed. I left fairly abruptly as I felt guilty for kissing someone. I know I have been with other people since the break up but that was in my bad stage. The end of the world stage. But now I am over the worst part and my brain is in a more normal place. I also kissed Sweet Pea that night.

Anyways, me and Tiny carried on talking to each other and have been every day since. We arranged to meet up again not long after new years but I was so fucking ill and had to cancel. We met a couple days later and got drinks and had a really good time. We did a pub quiz and talked loads and just had a fun time. We were all over with the PDA and some people my ex knows were there so fuck knows if they have told him, I don’t care though! I got the last bus home which was good because we were getting it on at the bus stop a bit too much! It wasn’t planned but I saw him the next day and spent about 7 hours with him. We talked and played and watched a film and it was just nice to hang out with him. Eventually we began to get it on again. And it was very hot. Again it was just kissing with a bit of over the top action and rubbing his cock over his jeans. I so wanted to fuck but I’m not sure if I’m ready. We kept stopping and starting. The kissing is much better than the first time, he is so fucking hot it’s unreal. He was pulling on my hair and sucked on my tongue which was pretty awesome although writing it down sounds weird. I feel a bit self-conscious because I am BBW to put it simply and he is so thin and I feel like I could break him. But I know it shouldn’t matter. He likes me. He bloody asked to meet me again before I’d even left him the first time. He even told me he fancied me. There has been nothing but good signs.

I enjoy seeing his name pop up on my screen. I get all giddy. I can’t wait to see him again. But I am also taking it one day at a time. I don’t want to rush into anything or think it could be something but I also don’t want to talk myself out of it. So I am taking it one day at a time, trying not to get scared and just loving every minute of what is going on. Me and the ex haven’t done anything since Christmas (sex wise) and yes I still want to fuck his brains out and snog his face off but I know that isn’t a good idea. He knows I went out with a guy and he asked what his name is but that’s it. I don’t know how he feels. We kinda had an argument thing the other day but it doesn’t matter. I want to fuck Tiny so much, I am nervous and scared but also incredibly horny. I am 90% sure I want to do it. I will just see how it goes. I haven’t felt like this about someone since I met Sweet Pea but I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. My moods are just very high or very low. I keep meaning to blog more but I have been pretty shit with it. I hope that I can begin telling some older stories again amongst my current stuff.

I am so glad I have finally been able to post something a bit more upbeat. I am feeling good and wanted to share it.

It started off well…

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I have woken up in many moods this morning and I have many feelings. Right now one of the main ones is that I feel no ‘in love’ feelings with Sweet Pea. It’s weird, I still find him attractive and even tried it on with him not long ago; I got rejected and I don’t care in a hurt way, it’s more in a horny way. But I don’t feel any love towards him. I feel attracted to him and want to fuck him but I don’t feel any fucking love! I don’t know what to make of it. I know it will probably just be a thing that lasts the day and then I will feel all the love for him again, but for now it is kinda nice not to feel it.

I have also woken up to immediately talk to the new guy and it’s great. I really like him and talking to him is cool and we talk about anything… yes we have talked about sex this morning, we are both in the mood and want to fuck each other. He is attractive and funny and the way we talk to each other and the words we use are great, he seems to be too good at times as he talks about stroking and snuggling and spooning and kissing…. All the things I want and need to hear right now!

I wish I could see him today but he is working later and I am seeing some friends tonight. Seeing my friends tonight (a wonderful married couple) will possibly kill me as they are so cute and me and Sweet Pea used to go together and have such good nights getting hammered with them. He proposed to me there and they were always asking us when we were getting married and were so supportive of our relationship. I am hoping that my good mood lasts and I can make it through the night without getting too upset or upset at all. I want to just drink and have a laugh.

Ok so New Guy (might as well be his name on here!) is texting me and almost every time he does, and for the past however many days, I can’t help but grin and giggle like an idiot. I feel like a school girl. I feel all excited. I haven’t even met him!!! I swear I am not longer in my mid-twenties but in my teens! I get tingles and shivers and I am such a loser! It is so weird to be in such a good mood but to be so scared it will all turn to shit. But for now I am enjoying it so much. I can’t wait to move and buy new house things and just be on my own again and to be able to do what I want.

Today is a good day.

*EDIT BEFORE EVEN POSTING*

So I am not going to see my friends tonight as there is a sickness bug and one half of the couple has a broken toe. That sucks but I can’t be mad at them. Looks like I will be staying in, bored, lonely and probably drinking till I pass out.

Me and Sweet Pea had a fairly big argument. I had asked if it would be ok for me to bring a friend over at some point (New Guy) and said it’d just be a case of hanging out with a possible sleep over. Then sex was mentioned and moving on and being able to do what we want etc and he got angry and we shouted and he was really bothered by it. I honestly didn’t expect him to care. But it turns out he does. And I suppose it’s nice that he does but it’s also annoying as I just want to move on and hang out with people and unfortunately I does mean having New Guy or anyone else coming to the house. I know it’d be easier not to but sometimes that is the only option. I told him I wouldn’t do it seeing as it is fucking us up so much. Things are really awkward right now and my day isn’t as good as it started out to be. But I’m going to try not to get too upset about it. I know the nicest thing to do it wait till I have moved out before seeing someone else. But he is the one that broke up with me and left me broken hearted, I should be able to do whatever I want to get over him. Sure the dumped can do whatever they want and the dumpee can’t say anything as they are the ones who didn’t want that person! I am beginning to rant and it’s not going to do me any good. ARGH!!!!!!

There is A Light, It’s Very Fucking Small

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I am going to keep this one pretty short and only touch on stuff instead of diving right into them. I just wanted to be able to say a few things and get it out there and off my chest. Happy Weekend!!

So I have been in a great mood since yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s because my meds are helping, I’m coming to terms and dealing with the break up, there is a guy friend person, A is coming back Sunday properly after staying with his dad since I was in hospital so I could slowly get back into normal life or because I’m still getting paid in January. Maybe it’s a mix of them. I can still feel the hurt inside of me but I can cope with it now. I know this may just be a phase, and even if it isn’t I know I will still have bad days. I’m not fixed all of a sudden. I still need meds and counselling and a lot of help. But right now I don’t want to cut or die and I only want to drink in a happy way.

Yesterday I went into Liverpool to talk to The Dinosaur aka my tutor and got a plan sorted out for uni work etc. I got a lift down instead of the train, it was from First Love! Me and him have been talking recently and been getting on. He broke up with his fiancée not long after I got dumped. I don’t know if that means anything, people have said to me he will want to get back with me and… ok so even he has hinted at stuff too. He did confess his love a month or so ago! But I’m not interested. I am. But I’m not. If he was the First Love I used to know, the one who I could actually have a proper talk with and who had a sense of humour then maybe. Now he is so dull to talk to and not attractive. Ok so I’ve flirted with him and we’ve even kissed a few times… and we kinda got it on in his car when we went for a drive the other week… We didn’t have sex but he did finger me… and I gave him a blow job another time. But it was awful! I know I know, I shouldn’t have done it after the first awful time but my head was all over and I needed to feel wanted and as horrible as it is, doing those things helped. But then I felt gross afterwards.

There was an incident last week too. I have a friend called J-Dog and basically I see him to get drunk and get it on. We’ve known each other years but only seen each other a handful of times. We normally text each other but he has also split with his gf and we’ve started seeing each other more. So the night in question, I was fucked off my face on zopiclone (took more than allowed) and I had taken about 6 pain killers to take the edge off things… and a joint. So I got to his house and started hammering the vodka. The bits I do remember are: Kissing him on the sofa, him going down on me on the sofa, being in his room being eaten out from behind and getting fingered. And sucking his dick. It wasn’t good. I dried up so badly but he carried on and I couldn’t be bothered saying anything. I was sore for days after! I drunkenly sent texts to Sweet Pea which didn’t really make sense but the gist was that I had had sex and that I was over him. Both things not true. Or if I did have sex I don’t remember which makes me feel awful. Me and Sweet Pea had a weird time sorting it out the day after but we managed. We are ok now. More than ok actually…

So last night we decided to play games and get a takeaway in. We were both having a good time laughing and joking and just hanging out without anyone feeling like shit. I’d gotten really warm so unbuttoned my top a bit and there were some jokes about my boobs but nothing I thought would go anywhere. Around 9 something was said and SP went over to the sofa and told me join him. I wasn’t sure what he meant and then he said ‘come over here so I can kiss you’ and it was amazing hearing those words. It didn’t go very well to begin with as I got a bit annoyed that he had only made a move because he knew I would say yes. Anyways, we fucked and it was great. We went down on each other, he fingered me while licking me out, he fucked me from behind and spanked me… all the things that make me come (when he does them). And I slept so well!

I was surprised last night happened for another reason too. I have been talking to a guy for about a week now and it’s just been nice chit chat, nothing special, but as the days have gone by we have been talking more and more. We moved onto texting each other yesterday (met on tinder) and with every text I just grinned more. I’m not saying I want to be with guy or anything, it is just nice to have someone who seems to care about your day and what not. He also asked me out and I said yes. It should be next week if all goes well. I don’t know what to expect from it so I’m just not going to over think it. He is just a person. No need to overthink! Anyways, last night while playing with SP I was texting this guy and grinning and I eventually got told to put my phone away as it was obvious a guy was making me smile like that and it was hurting him a bit. He wasn’t a dick about it, he laughed. I was shocked to hear him say he was bothered by it as so far he has been pretty cold about it all. Everything was fine between us though. I do like this new guy. Let’s see how it goes eh?!

The Vodka,The Ramblings and The Usual Crap

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Ok, I have only had one drink so far so there is a possibility this will at least start off making sense… but my head is so fucked up it probably won’t! Today has been weird. I woke up feeling nothing but throughout the day I have felt angry, desperate, lonely, unbearable and soul crushingly sad. I uttered the words ‘this is the right thing’ and it felt hollow, because it is. It’s not the right thing to do. We belong together, surely I’m not the only one who thinks that! My heart hurts, my stomach is in knots, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking and fantasising about him; not in a sexy way, in a ‘how I wish things would work out’ way. I imagine what things will be like once I move and having months apart to concentrate on me and my son, how I would bump into him looking and feeling amazing, how he would regret not being with me, how he would want me back… I know it will never happen, but it helps me get through the day and helps me sleep. I wonder if he thinks about me, in any kind of way, but I want him to think about me and how much of a mistake this is and how much pain he is in and I want him to be destroyed like I am but he isn’t! He doesn’t cry or care or even act like the person I thought I knew

So I can’t make my mind up whether being single is good or bad. Alright, I know it sucks. I am on Tinder (gross) and it just makes me so depressed. People are shit. I miss having someone I can properly talk to and enjoy my time with and feel comfortable with. Being single means dealing with fuckboys and horrible lines and being lonely. So yeah it means I can fuck whoever I want, I don’t have to think about anyone else but myself… that is all I can think of. And I don’t even want to fuck anyone else. Yes, I like thinking of myself but I enjoy cooking for someone else and thinking of their needs and wants. I miss looking forward to someone coming home and knowing I’m going to be kissed and told I’m loved. Knowing I will be spending the evening with my best mate who I get to kiss and tell anything. Being single fucking sucks. I never saw myself as a relationship person but I am.

I feel good! I feel…not happy, but something… up, high, something. I feel it! Yes I’ve had a few drinks and I am watching an awesome film and I’m alone drinking and about to eat pizza and been talking to an ok guy. I feel ok about the break up. I feel it was the right thing. For now. You’ll have probably noticed that this attitude changes a lot! But for now its thinking being single is good. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I can be alone but not lonely. Maybe when the ex comes home (we still live together as I can’t move out till January) things will change. Maybe I’ll be sad and want him, maybe I will be pathetic again and have an argument or say something stupid. But for now I feel like I can cope with it all. I am funny and gorgeous and all those nice things people say they are. That is me. I am awesome.

Right, so he come back home and it’s all fine. We’ve talked normally and laughed and what not. We went to the door for a cig and I was already finding myself getting horny because he is the sexiest person ever; I smelt his smell and I thought I was going to die. I love his natural smell and when he wears this nice aftershave stuff it mingles so well and it drives me wild. He could tell I was thinking something as I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling and I wanted to tell him but I don’t want him to know how I feel. i wish he would just grab me and kiss me and fuck me and let me smell him and grab him and just be with him for another night. He smells so fucking good and right now I can feel my heart beating and I’m sweating and I’m shaking and I just want to fucking rip his clothes off!!!!!!!

Well I’ve sobered up and I feel fine. I suppose numb and tired are more accurate, I’m too tired to care. Why waste any more time and hope? It is pointless. Right now I give up. I don’t want to fight for him. I just want to move on.

Drunk Ramblings of a Mad Woman

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I drank last night unsurprisingly. I ended up writing about some things. I don’t know exactly what I said, I know it was mainly about Sweet Pea. This was what my drunk broken heart needed to get out last night. I feel like writing now but I am gong to hold off till tonight hopefully. I feel much of my stuff may get repeated but I need to get everything out in as many ways as possible while I work through all this…

My fiancé broke up with me. It has been 3 weeks and 4 days. I didn’t see it coming. Even now I am in shock. We promised we would always talk and work on things and never give up, even if I killed someone. It wasn’t even two weeks before he broke up with me that we went away for my birthday. He wrote such nice things in my card. He bought me amazing presents. He got me personalised wrapping paper. We had so much fun together and I was so happy. He always made me laugh. Yes we had problems, who doesn’t? I suffer from depression, he gets angry, I drink too much, he is selfish… there are more things but nothing I thought was a deal breaker. It was always things I thought we could work through and always be together.

My depression started to come back in the late summer. I stopped showering and dressing myself, I stopped cleaning and began to slowly drink more. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stopped talking as much. I was a little scared of him… not because I thought he would hit me, he just got annoyed and angry quite easily and that kinda shit scares me. It was awful. I would shake in fear. Writing it down makes it sound so much worse than what it was, or maybe that is me in denial. I would cower from him. I would be scared to talk to him. Was I being paranoid or was it real? Whatever it was, I still believed we could work on it.

I can’t say it was one thing that set my depression off, there were loads of things and sometimes it just fucking happens. I feel like I have to explain why I get depressed and I’m sick of it. Yes there were things but also maybe it just happened!!! Yes I got a little freaked when I moved in with Sweet Pea but that went pretty quickly. Yes I started uni which is a two hour train journey alone. Yes my dad and step mum disowned me. Yes I got sexually assaulted. Yes I made no friends and had no social life. But I also got engaged! I got engaged to my best friend. I didn’t react well to it but not because I didn’t want to. I had built it up in my head for years, how I want to get engaged. I always wanted it to be special and meaningful and romantic; not necessarily in a stereotypical way, but in a personal way. It was mine and SP’s anniversary at the end of August and a couple of days before, I gave him my present which was a scrap book of our first year together. I was embarrassed but he loved it and I loved that he loved it. He went upstairs and I washed up. Music was on, it was Simple Minds –  Don’t You (Forget About Me). He said he had something for me. I closed my eyes and turned around like he asked. He put a necklace on me and as I looked I saw it was a necklace he gave to me for Valentines. I could see a ring was on it but wasn’t sure what it was as the chain was short. He took it off and I turned around to find him on one knee. I was silent for a while, tingles going up and down my body. I said yes. And the fist part of the song happened. I did it and it was all amazing. We sat for the rest of the night on the sofa just talking and being all happy and glowing. Then the day after I started to feel upset about it all. It wasn’t romantic. It was nothing. Or that is how I felt for a while and I felt bad about it. The ring didn’t fit, I wouldn’t get it for ages as it needed doing blah blah blah. I was a bitch. It was about 3 weeks later, we went to see friends. He proposed to me again, with the ring in front of them. We had agreed to keep our engagement to ourselves, at my doing. I had told him to do it again. That was the story we told me people. I was so happy yet felt so bad I had made such a horrible mess of it. Right now I don’t blame him for leaving me. He should have done it sooner.

I wish I could write everything down, in it’s proper order, but I can’t right now. Maybe one day I will be able to write all this down with a clear head instead of this horrible pain. I wish I could see it all clearly but I fucking can’t. I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. I should say having my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. And it is, but in a different way. This was the love I have always wanted. The love I always needed. The love I always hoped for. I had someone I could be myself around, tell them my hopes and dreams and fears and all that bullshit. It was all the crap that is forced down your throat. But it was real, real life love which is so much better than films and songs. He was my person. Even through the depression I felt a weird happiness with him. I told him things that weren’t supposed to be told to the love of your life. I told him I wanted to fuck other people, that I thought about my ex and how I wanted to fuck him, how I would go for drives with him and hold his hand, how I would email him and talk to him instead of my love. I destroyed my love. I self destruct when things go well for me. I try to push away any happiness. I thought I was over all that shit but obviously not. I wish I could fucking explain my head. Sometimes I can but I never write it down or say it out loud. I just think it. I want to do the big romantic gesture that is done in films but I know it wouldn’t work. I want to do the boombox. I want to stand in the field waiting for him. I want to fill the house with flowers and candles. I want to do something that proves to him I am sorry and will win him back. I want to be able to tell him how much I love him but there are no words. No actions. I can’t force him to marry me and even that wouldn’t be a good enough action to show my love. I am a useless dick. He doesn’t want me.

Ok so, Sweet Pea is the most beautiful person I have ever known. He has this smile, it’s open mouthed and shows a bit of gum, crinkles his eyes up and they twinkle at me. His smile is full of love and life and always made my belly flop. His booming laugh. His jaw, squishy nose, perfect eyebrows, his thick long dark hair… His body wasn’t perfect, he had flaws, he was slim with grabbable fleshy parts, his skin was pale and pasty and had blemishes and I loved it, I loved running my hands all over his body, tracing his scars with my fingers, kissing his body and loving every inch of it. His imperfections made him even more perfect to me. He destroyed what I thought I wanted and gave me even more. He was kind, so kind, and caring, and loving, and funny, and smart, he used what I like to call proper words, not boring words, he was always making me laugh and laughing at what I said, he listened and talked, he repeated stories and I used to love picking on him but also loved listening to his tell me the same things, his hairy feet, his inability to grow facial hair, his gorgeous smell, the way he would sweat when we fucked, his arse, his dick of course… it was the perfect length and was thick and tasted amazing, his hands, his arms, his legs were wonderful, thick with the right amount of hair, his stomach, his huge tongue, his perfect lips, the way he kissed me, the way he loved my son… our son, he is so great with A and takes care of him and does the nursery run. I could keep going and I probably will….

So it’s been a couple of hours, I just watched a film and right now I want to fight. As in fight for my relationship. I know he said he doesn’t want to be with me, but I can’t just roll over and give up. I want to prove to him that I love him. Show him that we can work on things. That I can overcome my crap and be together. I want to stop fucking about, I want to stop talking or even thinking about other people and I want to wait for him. I don’t want to push him or be too in his face about it. I know I need to get stuff sorted before anything can happen. I know I risk losing him forever, either on his own or with someone else. But I will take that risk, because I know we are supposed to be together. I know I am supposed to spend my life with him and I will do whatever it takes. He is my Sweet Pea, my person, my love, my best friend. I am going to fucking fight for this. I am going to try my hardest, do my best at being the person I know I can be, the person I want to be, the person he deserves. He deserves the best, he deserves it all and I am going to be the one that gives it to him. I am going to keep to myself, no more fucking about, I will do counselling and get help for my drinking and get myself into a better place. I have to fix myself before I can win him back. I have to think of myself while thinking of him. I am going to win my best friend back. I love him more than words can say. I don’t need to cry, I need to work on myself. I don’t need to mope, I need to get better. I don’t need to worry or be jealous, I will win him over in time. I love him. I will always love him

Suicide Notes

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Yesterday I was feeling suicidal. I have been feeling this way for a while now. I was recently in a psychiatric hospital. I have started cutting again. I drink almost every day. My life has gone to shit. I don’t feel up to pouring my heart out about it all right now, but I will soon. I’ve been neglecting my blog for a while, I haven’t had the energy. This was supposed to be a place I could use to tell about my life and rant and just be ridiculously honest and I want to start writing. Even this little bit is making me feel better and I can feel myself about to get into the whole story of my fucked up life so I am going to stop now…kinda.

I decided to write out mini suicide letters to a few people and describing what I want my funeral to be like. I kept it fairly short and had fun talking about my funeral. I wanted to share this with whoever reads my blog. I need to share it with someone.

 

To my wonderful (son) A,

You are the most beautiful person I know. When I look at you I see a hazy glow; I see a perfect boy and I am so proud that I made you. You were a gorgeous baby and even though things were rocky while I learnt to care for you and give you all my love, once I got there I knew that was the only place I wanted to be. I wanted to be your mother, I wanted to love you and my God do I love you. I love you more than words could ever say. I miss you with every fibre of my being even when you are just upstairs asleep. I constantly worry that you are hurt or upset or just in need of a hug and an ‘I love you’. I know you will grow up to be a fiery, independent person. I will love you no matter what. Never be afraid to be yourself. I want to say so much more to you but I would never have the time or the words. You are my baby, you are my everything and more. I love you Aleks. I wish I could see you and hug you and kiss you, I am so sorry to miss out on watching you grow. Please don’t be mad at me. I have had so many people tell me I should think of you in all of this and not to give up but it’s not as easy as that. I am never going to be able to explain this to you, please just understand I am in so much pain it hurts to live, to breathe. I love you to the moon and back, always remember ‘Sail Away’ and don’t get shit tattoos!

 

To my darling Sweet Pea (ex-fiancé),

I have never felt pain like this. I have been struggling with this pain every day, my meds don’t help, the nut house didn’t help… nothing can fix a broken heart. I know you had to do it to make yourself happy, I was no longer making you happy and that in itself pains me. I wanted to give you my all. I wish I could have explained things to you before it got too late. You are my one true love, my person, my best friend, my lover, my all. I knew from early on that I was going to fall in love with you, that should have been a sign as to just how much I was going to love you. I only ever wanted you, please believe that. I know things have been said and done and I regret every bit of it. I was drunk and/or vulnerable. I know those seem like shitty excuses but I have nothing else. Right now I would rather you never looked at another girl but I know that is silly so… I hope you find some nerdy girl you can play games with and see bands with, have conversations about everything with and just someone you can love more than you ever imagined. I want you to be happy. I loved you with everything I had, and I always will. You are also a cunt.

 

To First Love,

I never stopped loving what we had when we were young. I know we always had this connection, that electric, but I haven’t loved you in a long time. I thought you were my soul mate, I really did, but then I met the real one. I am sorry for all the crap I caused for you. I really am glad that you found someone to love you and for you to love back and finally be in a stable relationship. I am glad she is so good with A. Our boy loves you so much and I know that when I am gone you will do your best. Don’t conform to gender stereotypes, don’t be a homophobe and let A be who he wants to be. He likes pink and Barbie and makeup… Just let him do it!  I do love you, I’m just not in love with you. You are the father of my child and that means a lot. We had some really great times together and I thank you for being there for me recently, it did help.

To my mother

I have never felt like you loved me. No amount of clothes or holidays or money you through at me made me feel love. You were always cold and distant and never showed or said anything affectionate. You were always putting me down and criticising me and comparing me to other people. You would shout at me if I didn’t like the same clothes as you and you seemed to hate me the more I grew into my own person. I never got over any of that. Even now it still bothers me but I have learnt to ignore it and laugh it away. I do want to say thank you for being able to do those things for me though, the holidays and clothes etc. were great. If it wasn’t for you I would never have met Simon! In my own weird way, I do love you, but not in the way a daughter should love a mum. I wish I could say nicer things, I’m not trying to hurt you, but I have to be truthful. Again, I could say so much more but I don’t feel it has to be done.

 

To Step Dad,

You were a great dad. I love you. Even though you are a ginger. Thanks for loving me and letting me be your daughter.

 

To Sister,

You are a pain in my arse. But I love you. I want you to grow up to be strong and independent and feel like you can accomplish anything. Don’t let people destroy you. There is nothing wrong with not following the crowd. I hope you find yourself and stick to it, even if you don’t and it takes you years to be who you are, have fun finding yourself but please don’t be a sheep. You are gorgeous, don’t let mother call you fat or judge you.

 

Funeral

I want to be cremated. DO NOT BURY ME! Ideally I would like a bit of me to be left to A, if anyone else wants me that is fine. If Sweet Pea wants to then I’d like him to keep a bit of me (you could keep me somewhere I can watch and judge all the girlfriends you have haha). I want to be burned like a hunter (Supernatural). On the way in or however it is, I want Simple Minds –  Don’t You (Forget About Me) and everyone has to do the fist bit. At the end when I am getting burned I want Joy Division – Atmosphere. Red roses are the only flowers needed. If you can put shit in my coffin before I’m burned then I totally want people to leave nice things for me. I would like my Simon pictures, my red heart, a picture of me and A, a picture of me and Sweet Pea… that’s all I can think of. Please colour my hair too, I want to look good! It is Directions hair dye in Pastel Pink. I want an open coffin so people can see how hot I look in death and feel a mixture of sadness and horniness (for people not related to me). I have a black dress, Sweet Pea knows the one! I look amazing in it. Anything else, just sort yourself. I am done.

Goodbye x