I’m Back

I haven’t blogged in such a long time! So much has happened too and I have told myself a million times to keep writing but I have just been useless at it. I think I left off with Ghosting Shit Head (Tiny) being a bit of a dick. He messed me about basically. I haven’t spoken to him in months and I don’t plan to. I did bump into him the other week while taking my son to nursery… and I was shoving a big bagel in my mouth. Good times.

I moved! I moved into my new house and so far it has been great. I am actually in the middle of decorating my sons room and it is a ball ache! It’s not even a big room, just a nice sized room but I hate painting. It kills me. Thankfully his play room doesn’t need doing any time soon and when it does it is just one wall that needs painting. It feels like home now. The first few weeks were just meh, I had to get used to the sounds and figure out where things went and make it my own. And it is slowly getting there. Still some personal touches to be done but so far so good.

I go to the gym as well as swimming now. I absolutely love it! I wish I could go more but unfortunately can’t. I also volunteer now in a shop which is cool. I officially dropped out of uni. I really don’t have much to talk about! To be honest I’m not in the mood either so this is no effort at all. No confessions or stories or rambles. I think I am going to start doing a weekly thing, still write about my life, tell stories like before, talking about thoughts and whatever else pops into my head or whatever has gone on that week.

Oh and me and Sweet Pea got back together.

Fuck The Hipster, Vodka Is Better

I am majorly pissed off. Things with Tiny had been going well, a few bumps but nothing that was too bad. But for about 2/3 weeks it has been all over the place and I don’t know why I am still allowing the crap to happen. To put it simply…

  • Met up, things were all good, saw each other a fair bit, all was good
  • The whole conversation of what we are happened and we agreed to be exclusive
  • The week after, we both kissed other people
  • Week after that, he told me he didn’t want to be exclusive

I was hurt by it but I thought it was going to be ok. After that he began ghosting me. I was upset but started to feel ok about it. I gave it one last chance and he got back in touch with me and we agreed to go out. Tonight. But he has now said he is feeling too rough. That is all. No apology or anything. I give up. I am mad.

I want to go out! I haven’t been out properly for fucking ages. I need to just go blow off some steam. I have asked my best mate to come out but she is on a tight leash with her fella. I do not like him at all and I have never met him, just heard things about him. He sounds like a fucking arsehole. I really hope she sees sense and comes out.

And yet again I had sex with Sweet Pea! I know, I know… but it just happened! I honestly wasn’t trying for it or anything. We were talking about nothing in particular, I said something silly and he told me to shut up or something. I said make me and he was all I’ll make you with my cock. So we were joking and I told him to fucking try it and he came over and said he can’t reach as I was stood up and all of a sudden we were kissing. Nothing happened then, I went upstairs to start cleaning. I was putting away some socks and opened his drawers to find a pregnancy test. My world began to fall apart. I called for him to come up. I was on the verge of throwing up and passing out. He explained that his friend had given it to him for when we had a little scare. His mate didn’t believe that I thought I was pregnant. Sweet Pea never gave it to me as he didn’t think I was lying. I felt better and laughed. We started kissing again and one thing led to another. It was good. It is always so comfortable and easy with him. I kind of spoiled it by mentioning the girls he has fucked…. I was wondering why for the last few months when we have sex he hasn’t come unless he gives himself a hand. I thought the sex wasn’t good enough for him. I mentioned something about him coming with the other girls… Anyways, the sex ended and he was in a mood which is understandable. Everything is ok now.

I really hope I can go out tonight. I love the routine of getting ready. I enjoy having a full wash, scrub and shave. I enjoy giving myself a facial. I enjoy doing my makeup and hair. I enjoy getting dressed up. I hardly wear makeup so on nights out I like to feel special. And it is all for me. I am shit at taking care of myself, especially when depressed so I take great pride when it is a night out. I am hoping to start a routine when I move of looking after myself more. I also want to getting wrecked. Vodka is calling out to me.

I am definitely staying single. Even casual things aren’t casual. I can’t be bothered with the games and the messing about. Use your fucking words instead of ghosting and lying. Bag of fucking shit

Losing, Losing, Lost

Today I had an assessment. It was with a person in the mental health sector. She was really nice, made me feel at ease and I talked to her openly. She thinks I have some kind of emotional/mood disorder, but we both agreed it is more important to have treatment than a diagnosis. I don’t care what my illness is called, I just want to be better and to cope with it. While I was talking to her about my relationships with First Love, Sweet Pea and even Tiny, I realised just how fucked up things are/were. Especially with Sweet Pea. Having to say out loud the current situation, the cycle of: Shag, argue, argue, flirt, get on, shag… I knew it wasn’t great but telling her really made me see. That doesn’t mean it will stop. I know I will still drunk text him, I will still get angry and upset when I see him talking to other girls, I will still feel pain about the break up and how much of a shit he doesn’t give, I will still crave his touch, relish his smell, think about him all the time.

I told her of my plans for when I move. I told her about how I feel, my self harm, suicide attempts… It was only an hour long session so it wasn’t in depth stuff. But I felt better afterwards just having someone to talk to. I am being referred to a psychologist as she thinks I need something more than counselling. She is trying to get me some sleeping tablets too. Hopefully I will actually be able to start sleeping properly! At times it felt like she thought I was coping well and I wasn’t that ill; I struggle to word how I feel and what I do. Yes I can force myself to act normal and act like I’m living my life, that doesn’t mean I am ok, it just means I am good at holding it in and waiting to unleash.

Today has been an ok day. I felt good waking up early and going swimming and having my appointment and seeing my new house again. I feel shit in my current home. I hate being here. I feel shit. I am dreading Sweet Pea coming home. I am currently not talking to him. Something happened last night and he was nasty with me and just mean. He really knows how to hurt me. Even this morning he was shitty. My heart aches. My chest, my stomach, my arms, my legs, my head, my eyes… They all hurt. My insides and outsides are in pain. It hurts to breathe. I can feel the tears wanting to burst out. I need a drink, I want to cut, I want to burn myself, I want to be mutilated. I want to get fucked up, fuck anybody, stay in the dark, not eat, chain smoke. I can feel my mood lower with every passing minute. I can practically see it, a mist is clouding my eyes, my body is shutting down. I want to go to the fucking shop and buy booze. I have managed to fight the urge to drink in the house for quite a while now but I don’t know if I can. I have wanted to drink all day. I want to smoke weed. I want vodka.

Maybe today hasn’t been ok.

Do You Think Of Me?

I am currently obsessed with a song by The Breeders – Do You Love Me Now?

I heard it while watching a new show on Netflix called Love, which I have seen twice since it came out less than a week ago. I loved the show and the music, especially this song. It means everything right now.

So… I spent two nights sleeping with Sweet Pea, I found out he was still talking to the teenager even though he said he had broken it off, he is also talking to someone else, he lies to me all the time, he uses me… I knew he was using me but I allow it which is stupid. I let him be with me whenever he wants as I just want everything I can get with him. Yes, it is so fucked up, I have to leave him alone until he wants me, it never matters when I want him. I do feel angry and disappointed in myself but I am justifying it by the fact I know what is happening. I will be moving out very soon, like in less than two weeks and I am terrified. I just want to cry, curl into a ball in the dark and die. I feel like I am dying. I still feel that horrible, painful gap in my chest. I constantly feel sick, I feel lost, I feel like I have lost a body part. I am no longer whole. I know I shouldn’t rely on a man to make me feel whole and it’s not just that… He was my best friend, the person I could be myself with, the person I connected with more than anyone, we had our own private jokes and said the same things at the same time, we would have looks and didn’t need to speak to know what was going on. Of course I am going to feel incomplete after losing that. I am putting in so much effort not to start drinking like before. I want to drink so badly. My heart is broken; it is still in pieces. When will it stop?

He has told me so many time that he has been hurting and all that, but I just do not believe him. How can you supposedly feel that way but not show any emotion? How can you not cry? How can you be so horrible? I just wish he would admit it. Yes, it would hurt but at least he would be telling me the truth for a change. We no longer connect in bed too. We still connect with talking and what not, we still have the laughs and thoughts… but it feels empty in bed. I feel like I am just a body to him, just sex, just nothing. Maybe I am being silly and paranoid but that is how it feels. It feels so cold, not sexy.

I think I romanticise things far too much. I try not to, but I know I do it. I keep expecting grand romantic gestures, small romantic gestures, words of love, of begging to win me back, of regret at being the biggest arsehole ever, a boombox, not being put in a corner… a simple night on the sofa talking and being told he loves me and wants to try again. I don’t need the big stuff; I just need a declaration of love. I want sparkles and butterflies and fireworks. But in a realistic way. But also romantic. I know what I mean. And I know I’m not going to get it, not from him anyways. He is not that person, not even in the small ways. And I actually loved that about him. Just not now when all I want is for him to ask for me back. I would boombox him, literally, but I know he would say no. Once he has made his mind up, he sticks to it.

I don’t know how to live my life without him. I don’t want to live without him. I feel like I am already dead, just inside a living body. My heart, my soul, my entire being, is dead. These wounds will never heal. I am broken. Empty.

Goodbye To You

Dear Sweet Pea,

This is my goodbye to you. I was going to write it down before I left and leave you it but I thought it best to do it this way. At least I can say anything and don’t have to worry about you actually reading it. Doubt you would give a shit about it anyways.

You broke my heart. No, you broke more than my heart. You broke every little fibre in my body. You chose to leave me instead of fix things. You never gave me a chance. I have felt such anger and hatred towards you for doing that to me. You betrayed me. You swore we would always work on things, nothing would break us up, you wanted to be with me forever. You asked me to marry you. And what felt like two minutes later, you changed your mind. I wish I could say I understand, that I forgive you and that I hope you will be happy with whomever you choose to be with. But that would be a huge fucking lie. Right now I want you to be miserable and alone and regret all the horrible shit you have done.

I never thought you could hurt me. You have said some of the nastiest things I have heard. You lied and manipulated and used me. You made me cry so many times. You ignored me, didn’t care, just left me. You didn’t care about me while I was in hospital. You haven’t cared about me while we have still been living together and you have seen how much I have struggled. You have been ACTING fine. You have SEEMED fine. And you probably actually have been fine. There have been no tears, no begging, no talking, nothing. You have done nothing. And that hurts so much. It hurts how little you care. I cannot put into words how much I hurt. Even now after almost 4 months.

I have just about gotten over the thing with the man beast and now I find out you have fucked someone else. Someone else you said you weren’t interested in. You didn’t have to tell me. You know how much it hurts me. You know how much I struggle. But you still like to fuck with my head. You are a fucking cunt who deserves to be alone. You act like a nice guy and all that bullshit, you act like nobody wants you but you are happy to use people. I think you enjoy it. But still I find myself in love with you.

You are the love of my life. You always will be. I love your smile, your hair, your smell, yours arms, your stomach… basically all of your outsides. And I also love your insides. Your kindness, how funny you are, you’re smart, open minded, geeky as hell, loving… you had everything I wanted. You still do. To me you are perfect, even with your many fucking flaws. I have never loved someone so much and I doubt I ever will. I will never get over you, I will never forget you, I will just somehow learn to live with it. But I will always feel an emptiness. I wish I could tell you how much I loved you, it is an infinite amount. I love you unconditionally. I know I would coming back running to you if you ever asked. I know you never will though, even in 6 months or 6 years. I know you will get over me and move on. You used to say you loved me more but I know you don’t.

I think about you every day, every night. I lay in bed imagining what it will be like bumping into you. It always goes the same… it’s about a year and a half after I move out, I am awesome and doing well, bump into you while I am out with my many friends and we decide to meet up some time and we have sex and get back together and happily ever after. Fucking stupid I know. It’s the only thing getting me through all this. The only way I can sleep.

I want to apologise for allowing my depression to take over. I know I let myself go and let it take over. But you never gave me the chance to get out of it. You don’t know what I am like when I have an episode. I wallow and eventually drag myself out of it. It was hard to do anything while it was bad. I said things too I know and I could never apologise enough for that. I never wanted anyone else. I felt so alone and reached out to the wrong people. You see, I push people away. I never feel like I deserve anything good when I am having an episode. And I really didn’t feel like I deserved your love. I was so scared of losing you that I lost you!

Just before I leave I am going to make thing horrible between us. I want it to end badly. I don’t want a friendly goodbye hug. I want to destroy everything. I know it might seem silly, but I cannot cope with us pretending to be happy. You won’t be pretending anyways. I know I will be sobbing for weeks, I already feel like I need to drink.

I love you so much. You are my Sweet Pea and I am your Jelly Bean. Forever. I will never forget when we met, the book, that night. All the good and bad times will stay with me. My heart will always be yours. Please don’t forget me. Please love me forever. Please get your head out of your arse and be with me. I promise I am going to get myself sorted. I am going to win you back. I mean it.

All my love xxx

I Am Weak

** Possible Trigger**

The last two weeks have been so up and down. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I will start with the worst if it:

My friend, or not-friend anymore, tried to rape me last night. I had gone over to his as I didn’t want to be alone (the ex was out seeing his girlfriend and I was feeling incredibly upset over it) and the plan was to just drink and get a takeaway and hang out like usual. Occasionally we have hooked up but there have been many times nothing has happened. The night was going well till around 12ish. I joined him on the sofa he was sat on and we snuggled a bit and he wanted to kiss so I kissed him a bit. It wasn’t anything much, just a couple of kisses. He knew I was tired and I kept trying to nod off. Eventually I said I was going to bed and expected him to just stay downstairs as he was wide awake. He joined me in bed. I was fully clothed. I don’t know if he had clothes on or not, I was half asleep and quite drunk. I know he was talking to me but I can’t recall the words. His hands were touching me in a stroking way so I let him do it as I find being stroked relaxing. He began to touch my bum and then all of a sudden he was pulling my pants down. I told him no and that I just wanted to sleep. He kept putting his hand inbetween my legs and carried on quite forcefully trying to undress me. I kept saying no, I don’t want to… all versions of no were said. It continued and he just wouldn’t stop. He was on top of me at one point but I managed to get out from under him. I laid there trying to think of what I could do. It was the middle of the night, no buses, nobody to call to come help me. I could hardly move I was that drunk and even though I wanted him to stop, I was so tired that I just stayed in the bed next to him. Eventually he rolled away and fell asleep. I nodded off occasionally, waiting for the right time to get up and go. Throughout the night he kept trying it. He kept falling asleep as he had also been drinking.

Parts of me are saying it’s not a big deal. I managed to fend him off and nothing happened. But I am also scared that he may have done something while I slept. He was very huffy with me and complaining that I wouldn’t turn over to face him. I can still feel the weight of him on top of me. Maybe I led him on. We have had sex before so maybe I shouldn’t be upset that he thought it was to happen again. But if someone else told me this had happened to them I would be telling them THIS IS FUCKING WRONG! I feel like I am to blame. It’s my fault. I came home on the first bus this morning, got straight into the shower and scrubbed myself. He was my friend! He came to visit me in the psych hospital, he has been there for me and given me a place to crash and hang out when I’ve been down… how could he do this to me? I’ve done my crying, I’ve done my throwing up… I just feel numb right now. I feel empty, dead, worthless. My body keeps cringing, my vagina feels like it is trying to curl up and die. My skin, my mouth, my everything feels rotten.

I have only told one person. My best friend. I rang her after my shower and cried down the phone to her. She says I should go to the police but I really don’t want to. I have been down that road before and it did not end well. She said she would come over to see me but I told her I wanted to be alone. I hate keeping things to myself but I cannot stand the thought of telling people. I have had so much shit happen to me and I don’t want to burden people with any more. I might ring some kind of helpline or something if I feel I need to get it off my chest a bit more. I just keep flashing to it happening. I am partly thankful I was so drunk that some bits are blanked out but I am also scared of those things I don’t remember. I feel like I should be grateful he didn’t rape me. That I got off so lightly. I don’t feel like I’ve been let off lightly. I feel like my insides want to come out. I don’t know how I managed to keep him off me… He isn’t weak and I was in no fit state.

He just messaged me. Like, right now. I feel like I should say something to him but I am too scared. I turn into this weak little girl that is useless. I feel like a victim. I feel like I have no power. I want to cut myself, burn myself, drink myself into oblivion. I don’t know what to do.

Today I Just Want To Sing

I was at gig last night; I went with Sweet Pea as we had been planning on going since June. It was a great gig, I had been fantasising for months about how we’d have a good time and get on well and get home and have a night of amazing sex… writing that down sounds so stupid but it’s what I’ve been doing most nights for months now. That didn’t happen. We got on for most of the day, we got back home and nothing happened. Not even a bit of flirting. And I am ok with that. I got a lot of feelings out at the gig, certain songs and certain lyrics helped. I got to scream and shout those lyrics out and it was great. SUCK IT!

Since the other night I’ve been much calmer. Turns out he was talking to his mum on the phone and boy do I feel silly at how I overreacted! I am going to just concentrate on everything else but him. I know it will be hard and I will have still bad days. I need to stop hoping that one day he will want to kiss me and have sex with me, it is so stupid and doesn’t mean anything so why do I want it so badly? I have someone else who does want to do those things and more. Someone who wants to talk and hang out. And Tiny is a really nice guy and I do like him. I think the main thing is that there is that connection between me and Sweet Pea still and that is what I miss. Not that it feels empty with Tiny but there isn’t that bond and that is what I love the most about being with someone. I have only had that with two people and even then the first person was all kinds of wrong. With Sweet Pea it was special and we clicked and know each other so well and we say the same things and just get each other. I feel sad now. Not crying sad, just sad that I have lost this incredible person and have to say goodbye. It is hard while still living with him and once I move out I can begin to move on properly but I am so scared. Once I leave then that is it; no more talking or seeing or anything. I will be very upset when it happens but hopefully with time I will heal.

It is still killing me that Sweet Pea has a new girl person thing. I know, I know… I shouldn’t be bothered but I am. I feel sick at the thought of it and every time I see him talking to her I just want to cry and scream and punch. I think it is because even though I am seeing someone, I am doing that to try help me move on seeing as he broke my heart. He is talking to someone after dumping me and it just feels like a bigger rejection. He would rather talk to other people and get with someone else than work on things with us. I am doing my bit to heal and he is doing his because he doesn’t want me. That is the best way I can out it right now. He would rather have a 19-year old stranger than me. And that is was breaks my heart. I would love to have the courage to ask him why he doesn’t want to try again but I know I couldn’t handle it. I just don’t understand how he could throw it away without any kind of discussion. It has almost been three months and I just don’t get it. Surely our love couldn’t have been that much to him if he could just get rid of it so easily.

Now I’m fucking angry. How could he fucking do this?

Why Does My Heart Feel… So Fucking Shit?

My edited writings from last night. It wasn’t pretty going over it all and a lot of it didn’t make sense and not much was spelled correctly. I have sorted it out as much as possible without taking anything away from it. Last night was hard. It came out of the blue. I had gone to the toilet and could hear talking from downstairs. I came down and Sweet Pea was on the phone and the way he said something set me off and he left the room to talk. I just burst into tears because I just know he was talking to his new girl and it hurts. I know I am seeing someone so shouldn’t really be able to get upset and angry and hurt… But I do. It destroys me. It hurts my heart. Anyways, here is my pain…

So I wasn’t planning on blogging or anything today, I haven’t been in the mood for ages but I am crying my eyes out right now and I’m so confused. I don’t even know what to say. I just know I need to write and maybe something will come out of me. I feel heartbroken about my break up. I miss him. I miss what we had and what was to come. And now there is nothing. There is a new guy, Tiny, and things are going well with him. I don’t want to talk about that though. Sweet pea is seeing someone. I know I shouldn’t be bothered as I have someone but I am devastated. I want him back. Why doesn’t he love me or want me? That is it. Why doesn’t he want me? I hate living in this house with him, everything reminds me of him. It hurts every day. All sounds and smells and all that shit reminds me of him, I just want to hug him and kiss him and I want to be his again, I hate feeling like this. It sucks. It’s been almost 3 months and I still feel like the minute after he told me he doesn’t want me, hasn’t stopped. I am still in that minute. I can’t even see what I am saying right now as my eyes are filled with tears. The pain will never stop. He was my everything. And now I am just an inconvenience to him. He is my everything I am nothing to him. I want to stop crying. It all hurts. Every inch of me hurts. He is perfect. I am so in love with him. How could he stop loving me, he told me he wanted to be with me forever. But he said ‘ that is how I felt at the time’. Why say stuff if you’re going to change your mind. Why propose if you can’t keep that promise. He changed his mind so easily. It’s not fair.

So I’ve had like a 2 minute break from writing and I have calmed down… kinda. When will I stop feeling this pain? When will I move on? The tears have started again. I don’t want to love him, I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want anything of this fucking shit! Just go away! He is seeing some girl, a 19 year old girl who is a bit too similar to the way I look. He told me he isn’t over me and hasn’t moved on but its bullshit. He does not care. Part of me thinks that should help. I don’t know what words I want to say.  I cannot stand this pain. I was supposed to marry him. He asked me! And then he just decided he didn’t want to. What the fucking fuck is that shit. I feel angry and sad and all the other bad words. I want to kill him but hug him. He is the most beautiful person I have ever known. And that isn’t just physical stuff. His insides were beautiful. He was everything I had ever wanted. I wanted to give him everything and I fucked up. I fucked up so much. I can’t even say how much wrong I did. I can’t face it. It is all my fault and I’m not just saying that. It really was. I love him. I love him so much. I feel sick. I feel like my body is broken. There are not enough words for any of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Tiny…. Hahahahahah I really like him. Sex great, talk great, everything great. That is all!!! I suppose there is more and now I’m feeling better I should say it…. But first a wee hahahah. So I’ve had my wee… so Tiny… I have seen him many times now and every time has been awesome. There was a slight problem when we were out the other week and talking about what we were. He thought we were exclusive, I didn’t and obviously I’ve been fucking the ex. So when I told him I had had sex (not with who) he was hurt by it. We sorted it out and said we would just see each other. The sex is amazing, the foreplay is amazing… I was at his last night and got stoned and fucked… I was so turned on I almost came with him just playing with my nipple! Getting it on when high is the best thing ever. We talk almost every day and see each other at least twice a week. I really do like him but obviously feel confused cos I still love the ex which kinda pisses all over things. I will just see how it goes, I’m not expecting it to be a major thing so taking it a day at a time… kinda… I’m a very stressy person and over think things and my anxiety doesn’t help. but he said he missed me (yesterday) and likes me… sooo….. yeah.

But I feel shit. I feel shit about how I feel about my ex. I feel shit that it is getting in the way of my new whatever it is. It doesn’t feel like a rebound thing, it feels right, just at a bad time. But maybe that is a good thing. Maybe this is what I need. I won’t say it will be the thing to fix me because that is too much pressure. But maybe it is something that can do something. I don’t want to say too much.  A part of me wants Sweet Pea to change his mind. For us to work on things and just be together like we said we would. But occasionally I think it is a good thing. He can’t be my person otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t believe in The One anymore. Not like they describe in films. It’s hard to explain. I think there is one person you decide to stay with, settle down with, spend the rest of your life with. That can turn to shit. It can stay fine. There can be many loves, many likes, many one night stands. A few people you think you will be with forever. And then the person you choose to be with forever. You’re not meant to be together, it isn’t fate. It is a choice you both make and work on and it just happens. I thought I had that. No, I had that. And it turned to shit. So I will do whatever until someone else comes along and I feel like I want to keep them and they want to keep me. It makes sense to me!

My First Time – For The 21st Time

I had sex. I had fucking sex! It was…. Ok I suppose…. It wasn’t bad or anything, first times are never all that really. The foreplay is good, the kissing is good, he clearly likes my body which is good and I definitely like his. I love kissing him!

We met up and went to the pub for a few drinks and went back to his. We were half naked in his bed with some DVD on and started to get it on. We kissed, he went down on me, I went down on him, he went down on me for what felt like forever and it was more than once. I came multiple times. Then the sex happened… his dick just didn’t want to stay in me! We got it sorted though and it was pretty hot (in both ways) and we were sweaty messes. After that we had a break and just kissed and used our hands. I forgot how much easier it is to give a hand job with foreskin! It makes things much easier although I have become accustomed to no skin but never learnt how to give a hand job haha! I could kind of do it if it was wet while I was sucking it but not just a plain blow job. We eventually moved on to having sex again after just enjoying all the other stuff first. He fucked me from behind which is my favourite position. Again, it was ok. I’m sure it will improve once we have fucked a few times and learnt what works best for us. I didn’t feel self-conscious about my body at all. He saw all of it and felt all of it. I’ve never seen a guy so turned on, lust was all over his face and I could feel how much he wanted me with the way he touched me and moaned. So yeah, ok, it was great. Penetrative sex isn’t everything, I have to take it all into consideration. We ended up falling asleep around half one. We were all wrapped into each other, his arms around me and we were kissing. I woke around 4am and I don’t know who started it but we were kissing and hands were going places. I gave him a hand job while he fingered me. We both came and we fell back asleep.

I am seeing him again on Sunday and I am sure we will fuck again. And kiss loads. I really like him and I think he really likes me too. He looks at me in this way… Unless that is just his thing I don’t know! I could just kiss him all day. I came back home this morning and went straight to bed but couldn’t sleep. Turns out Sweet Pea isn’t working today. He knows I fucked. I rubbed it in his face. I know it is silly and a bit pathetic but I wanted him to feel hurt. Not that I had sex to hurt him, I did it because I wanted to. I feel better today than I did yesterday. Yesterday was awful. Many things were said between me and Sweet Pea… some good and some bad. I am just glad to be in a better mood. I suppose all the orgasms helped.

It Never Seems To End

I am in pain. What little pieces of my heart were fixing themselves have now shattered even more. My world is crumbling. I feel like I am falling down the biggest pit and it has no bottom.

Last night, me and Sweet Pea had sex. It was ok. I actually felt guilty and almost stopped it. But I did it because I wanted it. I wanted sex, I wanted closeness and I wanted to say goodbye. It wasn’t great sex, but we have a connection which makes anything and everything good. We were hot and sweaty and close. It was a bit weird afterwards and I sulked a bit when he didn’t want to kiss me goodnight. But overall it was fine and I knew it was done with. I want it to be done with. I really like Tiny and felt so bad for having sex when something is happening with him. I have found someone I like and have passion with and actually got it on with sober. That has never happened.

So this morning…. I went on my laptop and Sweet Pea had left his facebook on and I saw stuff. I saw his messages to the bitch he had sex with. He had told me it was ‘just friends and then got drunk and had sex’. That was a lie. He had been talking about fucking her, wanting to fuck her arse, have her gag on his dick, pin her down… she even told him he should tell his ex to piss off so she could come over. I swear I am going to kit her if I ever see her. Yes I know it isn’t just her fault, it is his too and I want to hit him. I want to burn his things and destroy every bit of him I can. He lied to me so much and got angry whenever I accused him of lying as he would never do that. I feel so fucking sick. I never thought he would be that kind of guy. He was always so nice and kind and honest and was always so nervous about saying anything too sexy… he couldn’t even ask me to gag on his dick for fucking ages! I’ve managed to not cry all day but now I cannot stop the tears. It was bad enough when I didn’t know what they had done as I know what moves he has and what he likes… but seeing it written down. It feels like he broke up with me so he could do shit like this. Amongst other reasons. Apparently he doesn’t talk to her much since fucking her. I can’t believe anything he says anymore. I know it shouldn’t matter because we aren’t together and I am seeing someone but it is so painful. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could be over him like he is so clearly over me. I WANT TO FUCKING HURT HIM. I WANT TO CAUSE HIM PAIN. I wish I could just leave and not come back and never see him or talk to him again. I want him out of my fucking life. He is a cunt. But he had every right to do what he did. It wasn’t cheating. I didn’t see when that kind of talk started but I keep thinking he started it while I was in hospital. He didn’t give a fuck about me. He just wanted to stick his dick in something. And he did. A fucking hideous beast. He knew how vulnerable I was and still had sex with me. He messed me about while being with her. I want to scrub my entire body, I want to rip my vagina out, I want to get every bit of him off me and out of me. I feel disgusting knowing I let him touch me.

I am off out tonight to see Tiny. I am going to have sex with him. I want to do it. I wanted to before today happened, I just held myself back because of Sweet Pea. But now I can go ahead and not feel guilty and can move on. Yes, I will still be in pain from this and it will take me a long time to get over it, but I have someone that makes me feel good about myself. I really can’t stress how much of a big deal it is that I was sober when we got it on. He saw me naked. I didn’t mess around waiting and being self-conscious. So yeah the lights were off with just the tv light on but that was because I have scars on my legs and don’t like them. I was going to hide my body but turns out I don’t need to. He kissed my stomach. He touched me everywhere. And it was fucking great for so many reasons. That is the type of guy I need in my life, for however long this will last. I can’t wait to kiss him again and feel him inside of me. I need to get rid of that dirty fucker and what better way than moving on. I am nervous about tonight. I’ve enjoyed everything so far but one of my main problems is I go off people really quickly, especially after sex. I don’t want to go off him. I want it to be good. I feel like it will be. And I’m nervous to have sex with someone new. I never thought I would fuck someone else, I thought it was Sweet Pea forever.

Wish me luck…..