Dear Sweet Pea,
This is my goodbye to you. I was going to write it down before I left and leave you it but I thought it best to do it this way. At least I can say anything and don’t have to worry about you actually reading it. Doubt you would give a shit about it anyways.
You broke my heart. No, you broke more than my heart. You broke every little fibre in my body. You chose to leave me instead of fix things. You never gave me a chance. I have felt such anger and hatred towards you for doing that to me. You betrayed me. You swore we would always work on things, nothing would break us up, you wanted to be with me forever. You asked me to marry you. And what felt like two minutes later, you changed your mind. I wish I could say I understand, that I forgive you and that I hope you will be happy with whomever you choose to be with. But that would be a huge fucking lie. Right now I want you to be miserable and alone and regret all the horrible shit you have done.
I never thought you could hurt me. You have said some of the nastiest things I have heard. You lied and manipulated and used me. You made me cry so many times. You ignored me, didn’t care, just left me. You didn’t care about me while I was in hospital. You haven’t cared about me while we have still been living together and you have seen how much I have struggled. You have been ACTING fine. You have SEEMED fine. And you probably actually have been fine. There have been no tears, no begging, no talking, nothing. You have done nothing. And that hurts so much. It hurts how little you care. I cannot put into words how much I hurt. Even now after almost 4 months.
I have just about gotten over the thing with the man beast and now I find out you have fucked someone else. Someone else you said you weren’t interested in. You didn’t have to tell me. You know how much it hurts me. You know how much I struggle. But you still like to fuck with my head. You are a fucking cunt who deserves to be alone. You act like a nice guy and all that bullshit, you act like nobody wants you but you are happy to use people. I think you enjoy it. But still I find myself in love with you.
You are the love of my life. You always will be. I love your smile, your hair, your smell, yours arms, your stomach… basically all of your outsides. And I also love your insides. Your kindness, how funny you are, you’re smart, open minded, geeky as hell, loving… you had everything I wanted. You still do. To me you are perfect, even with your many fucking flaws. I have never loved someone so much and I doubt I ever will. I will never get over you, I will never forget you, I will just somehow learn to live with it. But I will always feel an emptiness. I wish I could tell you how much I loved you, it is an infinite amount. I love you unconditionally. I know I would coming back running to you if you ever asked. I know you never will though, even in 6 months or 6 years. I know you will get over me and move on. You used to say you loved me more but I know you don’t.
I think about you every day, every night. I lay in bed imagining what it will be like bumping into you. It always goes the same… it’s about a year and a half after I move out, I am awesome and doing well, bump into you while I am out with my many friends and we decide to meet up some time and we have sex and get back together and happily ever after. Fucking stupid I know. It’s the only thing getting me through all this. The only way I can sleep.
I want to apologise for allowing my depression to take over. I know I let myself go and let it take over. But you never gave me the chance to get out of it. You don’t know what I am like when I have an episode. I wallow and eventually drag myself out of it. It was hard to do anything while it was bad. I said things too I know and I could never apologise enough for that. I never wanted anyone else. I felt so alone and reached out to the wrong people. You see, I push people away. I never feel like I deserve anything good when I am having an episode. And I really didn’t feel like I deserved your love. I was so scared of losing you that I lost you!
Just before I leave I am going to make thing horrible between us. I want it to end badly. I don’t want a friendly goodbye hug. I want to destroy everything. I know it might seem silly, but I cannot cope with us pretending to be happy. You won’t be pretending anyways. I know I will be sobbing for weeks, I already feel like I need to drink.
I love you so much. You are my Sweet Pea and I am your Jelly Bean. Forever. I will never forget when we met, the book, that night. All the good and bad times will stay with me. My heart will always be yours. Please don’t forget me. Please love me forever. Please get your head out of your arse and be with me. I promise I am going to get myself sorted. I am going to win you back. I mean it.
All my love xxx