Month: October 2015

Life Sucks Right Now

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I’m depressed. I have had mental health issues for so many years, I have forgotten what it is like to be ‘normal’. Last Sunday I was really wanting to share my day with you but on Monday my brain decided to switch. I still want to share how much of an amazing day it was with you but I can’t do it right now. I have just wanted to be alone in the dark, not thinking or talking or doing anything. Even now it is hard to even write any words but I feel like I should as it might help. Maybe. I haven’t done any work, I haven’t really done anything, I managed to get some swimming done and had a hair appointment. It exhausted me being around people and acting like I am ok. I can’t remember the last time I showered properly, I don’t remember when I last shaved or tried to look like a human being. I feel sick all the time, I don’t want to leave the house but I don’t want to be stuck inside. I feel like I am a black hole sucking all life out of everything. My fingers feel empty writing this. I want to cry, and have cried many times. I got hammered yesterday, started at 1 in the afternoon which isn’t a bad time… says the person who was on the floor pissed unable to move by 5pm. I don’t remember much of it. My partner helped me, didn’t judge me, told me he was there for me and told me he loved me. I feel like I don’t deserve him, don’t deserve his love or kindness or anything he has to offer me. He has given so much to me and I feel like I have given him nothing in return. He wants to marry me, we are engaged and planning our wedding. He is my world, I just can’t feel that way right now and it makes me feel worse. That I am unable to give him the love I know I have for him. He is sat opposite from me right now, working from home as he didn’t want me to be alone today. I keep looking up at him and thinking he is the most beautiful person I have ever known. He did a naked dance for me this morning to cheer me up. He was just in his converse waggling his dick about and shaking his body. It was really funny, And so nice of him too. I know it sounds silly but it was a nice gesture. I’ve already napped today and I am still tired. I am always tired. I am back on medication. I know the first couple of weeks on meds are hard and I am trying to just fight through it. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. It is just things that are on my mind. I really like the new Adele song. I want to drink again. I want to lay down all day in the dark. I want to hold hands. I want to smash the room. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy.

Depressed

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I was going to write a post about my day yesterday. It was such a good fucking day which makes today so much worse. The short of it is I had to take my little boy to the doctors and while there I talked to the doctor about feeling anxious and depressed again and I am now back on meds. I haven’t been on meds for depression for over two years now. I feel like such a failure and a disappointment and like I am a horrible shit stupid useless bitch. All day it’s been slowly getting worse. I have no energy, I am miserable, I’m hungry yet don’t want to eat but do, I want to drink, I want to chain smoke, I want to cry, I want to be in the dark, I want attention but don’t want to bother people, I want to kiss and hug but I can’t bring myself to do it, I need to clean the house but can’t, I want to just lay down and never get up, I want to sleep, I want to watch tv, I want to go to bed, I want to be alone but also be with my OH, I want to talk to someone but don’t want to tell them how I feel. I feel heavy, like I am covered in weights. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my body hurts.

Yesterday was a great day, I want to tell you all about it but I just can’t right now.

Handsome Man

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

A few years back when I was online dating aka casual fucking, I got chatting to an older man who was twice my age. He was gorgeous; dark curly hair that was quite long, stubble, nicely dressed, great smile, in a band… he was just gorgeous. We eventually arranged to meet for a few drinks, nothing with too much commitment as we both needed to get last transport home. We met at a pub and he was dressed smartly in his work clothes and his coat collar popped, looking all dreamy. We chatted quite easily which surprised me, I thought it would be a struggle with the age gap. He had teenage kids and he liked to travel and we didn’t have much in common but we had fun. After a while it was obvious we were into each other. We sat on one of the comfy sofas snogging each other’s faces off with not a care who saw. We moved onto another pub and on the walk there he grabbed me and got me against a wall and began kissing me. It was so fucking hot, even now the memory makes my nipples go hard and a shiver go up my spine. The night eventually ended, no fucking at the end, just snogs and a ‘let’s do this again some time’… I never saw him again. We spoke a few times afterwards but it stopped. I think we both knew it was nothing, at the most it would have been sex and I know it would have been some good sex!

He isn’t the only older guy I’ve been with, the other one who was almost twice my age wasn’t as nice and the story isn’t a happy one… I will tell you another time.

Anal Virgin

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

My first time having anal sex was when I was 16. It was mine and First Loves first time doing it. It wasn’t planned, we were just fucking and trying out positions when we decided to do it. This was in the first year together and we were constantly fucking. This night in particular, I was sat on the bed which had a wooden board with a small ledge. I had my legs spread and First Love was pounding in to me when all of a sudden the wooden ledge broke. We were in a fit of giggles. We were rolling about exploring each other when I suggested anal. We didn’t have lube so used moisturiser instead. I was all fours when I felt his penis near my arse. I began to crawl away laughing with him follwing on his knees. This kept happening till I had no more bed to crawl on. We were laughing and I told him to go in slow. Somehow it went in and wasn’t painful. After this, we did anal occasionally as I didn’t want to have my arse fucked too often. Every now and then it would kill so we couldn’t do it. I enjoyed it every time it worked though.

My friends thought anal was bad and gross and wrong, they never understood how I could enjoy it. I’ve only had anal with two people, it’s not something I can do with just anyone. I took Sweet Peas anal virginity, we have anal sex most times we fuck. It’s amazing and I always come. So does he. I’ve used a vibrator in my vagina while being fucked in the arse and also used a strap on dick which goes on the guys dick so I can have double penetration but it hurt so haven’t tried it for a while.

Thankfully I’ve never shit on anyone…. properly. A small blob ended up on First Loves dick and we just howled with laughter. I have to hand it to First Love, I always had a laugh with him during sex.

An Oral Lesson – Receiving

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I haven’t had much oral sex. Perhaps a handful of my lovers have done it to me.  The first will have been First Love; he wasn’t a fan of doing it (he was a very selfish lover) and I wasn’t too keen on him lapping away at me. He was shit. I tried to guide him by suggesting things but he was much more concerned about his own dick getting sucked.

I had one lover, just a short fling, who went down on me the first time we fucked. Naughty J was a great shag; he took control, he flipped me over, he put me in positions I would never have thought of. He began by fingering me, slow at first and then harder, then he went down on me. As he licked my wet pussy his fingers were still working their magic. I was close to orgasm when he slipped a finger into my arse. It took me by surprise but I didn’t let it ruin what was going on. The feel of his tongue and fingers in both holes drove me wild and I came hard. It was a great night of fucking.

Any other time someone has gone down me it has been unenthusiastically, they didn’t know what to do and wouldn’t take any pointer. It’d always end in them thinking they had done a good 1-minute job and then get to fucking. Don’t get me wrong, some of these guys who were bad at oral weren’t always bad at sex… but most were. I’ve disliked most of the times I’ve had sex, not many people know how to please me. It takes time, I like to be dominated, I need a connection.

One of my favourite times with First Love was at his apartment. We were in the front room and his roommate was upstairs. We began to get it on and somehow I ended up sitting on his face. He was laid on the floor while I used the sofa to help keep me balanced on him. As he licked away I got closer to orgasm and began to rock on his face. I came hard. It turns out I had been rubbing my clit on his chin and that is what sent me overboard.

My fiancé Sweet Pea is a God when it comes to oral. When we got together it was mind blowing, I would come harder and faster than I had with anyone else. Somewhere along the road that stopped. It wasn’t that he got bad at it, I just struggled to get turned on and enjoy it. Oral for me stopped for a bit and would only happen if we were 69ing. The last two times we had oral, both times this week, I could have died. His mojo has come back and my vagina finally wants to enjoy it! I was thrashing and screaming as he fingered me and licked me and rubbed me. It was fucking fantastic! I feel bad because I am currently in the middle of a cold with a bad throat which means I cannot reciprocate. I am looking forward to being able to suck him off and repay the pleasure.

I can’t wait to choke on his cock and make him come with just my mouth.

Girls Girls Girls

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I was around the age of 5, possibly 6, when I first kissed a girl. Curly was my age and my best friend. Whenever I went to stay at my dad’s for the weekend I would go play with her. It started off quite innocently, we would play dress up and role play. We then moved onto mummy and daddy’s; I was always the mummy even when she really didn’t want to play daddy. We were in my dad’s bedroom and somehow knew that parents got into bed to kiss and cuddle. She would lay on top of me and we would kiss and grind against each other. We never spoke about it as it was never a big deal, we were just kids being silly. This went on for a while until one day we were almost caught, that was when we knew it was something we shouldn’t be doing.

When I was in high school I had a best friend; she wasn’t gorgeous or perfect or anything special to look at. We were inseparable.  We actually tied ourselves together at one point as we never wanted to be apart. We would tell each other everything, we would speak on the phone after spending all day at school together, we went on holiday together… I don’t know about her but I loved her (in a friend way) more than I’ve ever loved a friend, more than I’ve ever loved a family member. We were at my house as it was another sleep over, when she told me she had never kissed anyone before. We talked about it for a while and she was asking me questions as I had been kissing people for years at this point. It was finally bed time and she was still talking to me about it. All of a sudden she leapt on my and began to kiss me very nervously. She had hard lips, lots of saliva and was very quick and clumsy. I kissed her back though and she eventually relaxed and began to kiss properly. We used tongues, she lay on top of me and we kept our hands to safe spots such as hips and face. We didn’t become girlfriends. We didn’t even talk about it. But this carried on for four years. We would only ever kiss. We once googled ‘how old do lesbians have to be to lose their virginity’.

Between all these years there were boyfriends and fall outs but we always stuck together and got through it all. One night she declared her love for me while crying her eyes out. To this day I still remember the look on her face; she knew what she finally was, and was scared by it. Again, it was never brought up again. If I could go back in time I would say something to her, ask her what it all meant… Did she want to be with me? Was she scared?  Was she gay? I have to live my life never knowing. She could have been The One, my soul mate.

Our last time together was when we were 15 in Greece. We had a room to ourselves and couldn’t resist even though we knew we could get caught. We got really hot and heavy, both wanting to go further but too scared to do more than kiss. She was a great kisser by this time and was a fan of being on top. She was much smaller than me, very skinny, so she was light as a feather on me. We almost got caught by her sisters and that was the last time I ever kissed her. We eventually drifted apart as she was very into conformity, she wanted to be accepted and seen as ‘cool’. I was the weird mosher that was independent and didn’t give a shit what people thought. I haven’t spoken to her in about 8 years… that makes me so fucking sad. I am so tempted to message her and ask her all my questions. What’s the worst that could happen?

I’ve had best friends since her, but nothing has ever been the same as when I was with her.

Sex

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I first attempted sex when I was 14. I had my first boyfriend, Squint, I thought I loved him and I had taken my first attempted overdose. It was a pathetic attempt at an overdose, I didn’t know anything back then and stopped before any damage could be done. That night Squint came over to the house. We chilled out, watched a film and eventually began to get it on. Up to this point all we had done was hand stuff. I knew he had a big dick and I was excited to feel it inside of me. We went up to my bedroom and got undressed. It was quite sweet, he was slow and kind and kept asking me if I was ok. We laid on my bed, he climbed on top and we kissed. He asked again if I was sure and I said yes. He must have put an inch of dick in me before I said stop. It hurt and I didn’t want to keep trying. I obviously wasn’t ready. Again, he was really nice about it and he got off and we got dressed.

The second time I attempted sex was when I was 15. I was drunk and was hanging out with some friends. One of them I had briefly had a relationship with but we decided friendship was better. This night, we were both horny and wanted to fuck. We went back to his place where we fumbled about, he had a hole in the middle of his bed which didn’t help, and we clearly didn’t know what to do apart from the obvious – penis in vagina. It didn’t work thanks to the booze and I left and went back home.

My third and final time at trying out sex was with First Love. It was one week before I was 16, we were at my mates’ house for a house party and did it in her little sisters bed. We had been drinking but weren’t drunk, when we decided to go up to bed. I had just finished my period but as all girls know, there is always one final push. I knew we’d be at least doing hand stuff when we got to bed and I was worried I would bleed on him but thought I’d risk it. We got into bed and began to kiss and run our hands over each others bodies. We had been together just short of a month and were constantly making out and literally being all over each other. He began to finger me while he kissed me and I was in heaven. He slowly kissed down my stomach and went down on me, my first time ever. It was nice, very weird and I was worried he would taste blood. We took our clothes off and he got on top of me. He put a condom on and we began to fuck. There was no going slow, no making love, we went for it. It was uncomfortable for about 30 seconds but that disappeared. We had been at it about 5 minutes when someone came into the room. We pulled apart and the moment was ruined.

We didn’t have sex again for another month as I wanted to go on the pill and once we started again, we didn’t stop. We fucked many times a day. We experimented. We had some great sex. It wasn’t always good and he had a problem with premature ejaculation. It would never last more than 5 minutes, shortest was 3 thrusts. When he was drunk he could go for ages. Being with First Love is something I will never forget. Our bodies fit together, he always turned me on, I learned how to enjoy sex in 30 seconds, I received oral a handful of times in just under 6 years…. But I wouldn’t change it. Kissing him will always be one of my favourite things. His mouth always knew how to connect with mine, his tongue made me tingle, we kissed the same and it was always perfect. I loved holding his hand, we always said how well they fit together. He was my first love, I thought he was my soul mate, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I will always love him in some capacity.

It took me three tries to finally have sex. And fuck me it was worth it.

Best Date Ever

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Last year I got talking to a guy on a dating site (one I was using properly this time) and hit it off fairly well. He was good looking, liked reading, was local and really easy to talk to. We exchanged messages and text for a couple of weeks but it died down and all contact stopped. I was fine with this as I was busy at college after finally realising I wanted to go to uni. I ended up closing my account and giving up for a while. Due to some things happening at the end of the summer (a later story) I joined back onto the dating site and immediately saw this guy pop up. I thought I would play it cool and thought if he was interested then he would message me (stupid I know). Anyways, he did message me and we just jumped right back into the easy conversation and having a laugh. 24 hours later and he asked if I wanted to meet him to which I jumped at the chance. We arranged to meet a few days later.

That morning I was a mess. I couldn’t decide what to wear, I felt ill with nerves and I was scared that he was going to cancel. Or I wouldn’t recognise him and walk passed him and then be mortified. Did I wear something revealing? Something sexy? Something casual? Something quirky? ARGH!!! I ended up getting frustrated and wearing the same outfit id worn all week but put my face on and some jewellery. All was right with the world. I felt comfortable and gorgeous. Off I went to meet him. I got off the train and headed towards the place we said we would meet. I had music on to help calm me. I saw him across the room and I was relieved to recognise him and also still find him attractive. He had told me previously that when he saw me he would give me a hug. Bollocks did he! But he did tell me he had a gift for me; a Buffy the Vampire Slayer book which totally surprised me. It showed he had remembered that I love Buffy and that he was nice and kind.

After thanking him and still not believing he had bought me a book, we headed off round the city and chatted and tried to decide what to do. He dragged me into the Lego store and later would drag me into a geeky comic book place… I’ve blanked all that out! We went for some food at a restaurant he really liked and somewhere I had never been. It’s a Japanese food chain place but I enjoyed it. I didn’t know how to pronounce anything apart from Diet Coke. I didn’t even know if I liked anything on the menu and was relieved when he helped me work out what I would like. We ordered our food and carried on talking. We never had any awkward gaps, no weirdness over conversation topics. The food came and it was time to use the chop sticks. I hadn’t used chopsticks for years. He picked his up and tore them apart and began eating. I never fucking knew they tore apart! I always kept them together! I decided to just act cool and also tear mine apart. I did it wrong, I ripped them and they broke. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. He cracked up laughing which made me feel so much better about myself. I grabbed a fork and dug in hoping I wouldn’t choke on my meat.

After food we went wondering around by the water, thought the shops and eventually landed at a pub. Just as we were getting to the pub he asked me for a hug. It was the most awkward hug ever but I loved it. In a mad moment I blurted out that I didn’t want him to let go…which made him let go very quickly. I thought that was a sign that he didn’t like me. We got in to this dive of a pub which was filled with drunk old men, tartted up old women and had karaoke on. We ordered pints and sat in a dark corner. In the background some man started ‘singing’ Mustang Sally’. By singing I mean he talked it. We both fell about laughing and decided we would leave after we had finished the drinks. We went to another pub where we spent most of the day. We started to ask more personal questions and were really starting to get to know each other. Of course the topic of sex came up which kept us going a while. I couldn’t get over how gorgeous he was and how funny he was. We got on so well and I was trying to work out if he liked me.

We decided we should move on to another pub which is when I decided I needed to make it obvious in a subtle way that I liked him. I made sure my leg was touching his when we were sat down and I began to slip in contact while talking. The leg nudges and arm touches weren’t working! He was supposed to be meeting friends later that night but told me his plans had been cancelled. This was just as we were getting a train home. My stop would be before his. I started dropping massive hints about wanting to stay out hoping he would take them and ask if I wanted to carry on with the date. At the last minute he got it! We headed back to his home town and went to a tacky nightclub. We had been on this date around 10 hours by now. We were slowly getting drunk and this bar helped us along. I finally asked him if he fancied me and he finally kissed me. I was over the moon. We went back to his place and got into bed. I told him that there would be no sex; I had had enough of casual sex and wanted to wait. He was cool with it so we laid next to each other talking. We started kissing passionately, hands grabbing at each other wanting to devour. We pulled ourselves apart and said we shouldn’t keep going as we didn’t have a condom and I had explained no first night hook ups.

We were side by side facing each other breathing heavily, hands lightly touching. We sprung at each other and began kissing ferociously. I wanted his hands all over my body, I wanted to feel him pounding into my wet pussy. We pulled apart again. We tried to talk ourselves out of it again. The spark between us could have set the house on fire. We began to maul each other again. His mouth was delicious. I wanted him inside of me. I began to say’nonononononononono’ over and over and he stopped. I told him I wanted to have sex, we would risk it without the condom and I just didn’t care about waiting anymore. He asked if I was sure and I said yes. He plunged into me and we began to fuck hard and fast. I hadn’t had sex in just over a year. He was almost at a year. He pounded into me making me moan and scream like never before. I was so glad my first time after a year, and my first time with him, wasn’t shit. He fucked me from behind and spanked me. We both eventually came and collapsed in a heap. We slept.

In the morning I was mortified. I was hungover, rough, smelly. My phone was dead. I just wanted to run. He was still nice to me in the morning. He went to the loo and in those 30 seconds I jumped up, threw all my clothes on and grabbed my stuff. He came up and I told him I had to go. I was out of the house after being up less than 5 minutes. I texted him later saying I had had a good night and would be up for it again. He said he wanted to too.

That was mine and my fiancés first date.

The Straw Dick

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I was around 17, possibly 18, when First Love and I decided to try something different; it wasn’t something sexy, just weird. We were at my dad’s house where I was living alone as he was at university. Me and First Love had been together at least 2 years and had done so many sexual things with each other. One of his favourite things was for me to have cold water in my mouth whilst I gave him a blow job. We had been doing this regularly until one night when I had been drinking a fizzy drink and gave that a go. He enjoyed it as the fizziness made his cock tingle. Anyways, this one night we were drinking Irn Bru and watching a film, when I for some reason remembered I had a full pack of straws. I asked him if I could do it to see what would happen and he agreed. I assembled a giant straw but placing them at each end and slotting them in. First Love sat on the sofa looking apprehensive but we were both used to trying odd things out when it came to sex. Once my giant straw was complete, I entered one end into his piss hole (only about a centimetre at most) and filled my mouth with Irn Bru. It was then I took the other end of the straw into my mouth and let the drink flow down the straw into First Loves dick… he yelped and jumped up in pain. He said it stung. I was howling with laughter! We have no idea why we tried it out other than boredom and just thinking of ridiculous things to do to each other.

For example, one time we were at his house in his bedroom getting it on. He had tied me up and blindfolded me. This wasn’t the first time doing this as it was something I enjoyed. He kissed my body and I was really getting into it when he stopped briefly. All of a sudden there was something cold being put inside my vagina. I squirmed about trying to get away. He took off my blindfold and I saw he was holding an empty lager bottle. I asked him why he was trying to stick a cold, glass bottle in me and he thought it would be sexy. He could have used so many phallic shaped objects but he chose the cold open bottle. Nope. He was not allowed to blindfold me after that!

At least he had agreed to the Irn Bru being put in his dick, I did not say I wanted a bottle in me.

Jesus, First Love and Ratboy

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

This story did happen to me, but due to the amount of drink and drugs taken and the amount of time that has been since this event, my memories are a bit fuzzy. I will attempt to make some sense of it but it may be slightly jumbled but still coherent. It was a very wild week for me, something that I will never completely forget, just the order of the days and some days are just blackness. I was pretty messed up at the time, I was slowly getting towards my breakdown and the year leading up to it when I was 18 was very messy and full of mistakes.

I was 17 when my mother asked me to look after her house for a week. What a mistake that was! I immediately invited over some friends to stay and get hammered with; £80 on booze for the week, which at the time consisted of Strongbow, alcopops and some vodka. At the start of the week I was going out with Ratboy, a guy 6 years older than me who drove a cool car and had a cool haircut. He came over at the start of the week (possibly) and we spent the night with my friend J and her fella L. I can’t remember much of the night except it was the first time me and Ratboy had sex; I had been looking forward to this moment for a while and was let down. He was very inexperienced. His finger lightly touched my clit but made no effort to go inside my vagina, he was very awkward and fumbling which can be forgiven, his penis was so small I didn’t feel it inside of me. Now I can say with the utmost confidence it wasn’t a problem with my vagina that made it difficult to feel him inside of me. Instead of thrusts it was more like some squirming on top of me. I faked every noise, moan and grunt. I got so carried away, he interrupted me with an ‘I finished’ and so I just smiled and hid my disappointment. He went back home that morning but planned on coming back later on in the week.

While going out with Ratboy I was still in love with First Love and had already cheated early on in the relationship with him. I’d decided that I was going to break up with Ratboy and get back with First Love; my plan was to have Ratboy come to my house at a certain time, talk to him and break up and then have First Love turn up an hour later and get back with him. I had invited some friends round who were already at my house and knew of my plan. I had told them that if First Love were to turn up early that they were to distract him. It was went tits up and both Ratboy and First Love found out each were coming over. I explained it away to both of them as trying to sort things out and stay friends. That day/night is a bit of a blur but I do know I made a mistake in choosing to break up with Ratboy. The night ended with me punching First Love, throwing a rock at him and going after him with a meat cleaver. I was on the phone in tears with Ratboy saying I had made a mistake and he was very understanding.

The last part of the week I remember quite clearly. People had been coming and going from mine everyday and different times and on my last night, nobody except J was wanting to stay and drink. We decided we would get some drugs, MDMA and coke. It was a pain sorting it all out but we managed to. Ratboy was pissed at me for getting drugs as he didn’t agree with them so he didn’t stick around that night. I got Jesus and Goth, some acquaintances, to come over. Many drinks were had and all drugs were snorted up. Goth went home and Jesus stayed. Jesus was First Loves best friend. I had sex with Jesus. We didn’t finish as I told him I felt guilty about fucking him. I remember the pain of his cock going inside of me as he was extremely thick. I have never come across someone who has had a cock thicker than Jesus’. Oh and I forgot to mention, Jesus was Goth’s ex and Goth eventually became my best friend. I feel like it should be on a Jezza show.

This entire week also consisted of my falling into a rabbit hutch while high on MDMA, showing my vagina to Mousey, having sex with three people (two of whom were best buds), going back and forth between Ratboy and First Love, drinking so much everyday that by the end of it I felt sober, walking in on people having sex, breaking furniture and having the neighbours complain about all the shenanigans going on.

It is a very messy week, very erratic and hard to piece together. I have attempted to make as much sense of it as possible. I think this story had to be written, mainly to help me figure out what happened and in what order. Me and Ratboy eventually broke up and I got back together with First Love. I swore I would never tell him about having sex with Jesus. I don’t see or speak to anyone that came over to the house that week, apart from First Love as we have a child together. The morning after Jesus, and the morning of when my mother was coming back, was supposed to be me cleaning the house. I was on a downer. My mum was not happy with the state of the house!

I wish I could remember this story more clearly. Sounds like I had fun. *edit* I fucked Jesus, Ratboy and First Love in this week, I just don’t know what days on!