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Things Have Gotten Much Worse

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Well last night I came face to face with the girl my ex fucked. I have no words. I am sat here with no words. My mind is all over the place. I don’t even know where to start…

So yesterday was supposed to be the day I saw New Guy. Me and Sweet Pea had argued all week about it. I cancelled on New Guy. I am not ready to have sex. I am not ready to move on. I know that seems stupid considering the things I have already done. I regret those things more than anything. I was in a very dark place, I sought comfort in the wrong ways and from the wrong people. I was lost and I acted out. I have always done this. I go out and fuck. And I hate it, I don’t want to do it, I regret it. But I have never regretted it like this before. Anyways, I cancelled on New Guy and I wanted to start acting the way I should. I am still devastated by everything but I am in a better place than before. Apparently it is too late. The damage is done.

I was out last night with a friend as I just needed to drink and be out of the house. Late on in the night I was stood in the queue for the toilets when I got talking to a girl as usual. She asked if my name was …. And I said yes. I guessed she knew Sweet Pea and thought she worked with him. Turns out she doesn’t. So I thought she might be an ex. She isn’t. She kept on asking if things were definitely over and I said yes and said it’s ok, that I don’t care. I was even laughing about it and asking if she liked Space Jam. She told me that they fucked. Yes I was angry and upset and I think I shouted at my friend to not touch me and I went to the toilet, screamed and banged on the walls. We went upstairs to have a cig and while sat down, some girl joined us and asked why I was threatening her friend. I was baffled. I explained what happened. This drunk bitch didn’t want to listen though. The girl my ex fucked came over and I said to her I didn’t have a problem with her, I wasn’t going to hit her and to just stop talking about it. I joked we should all go out for drinks. I told her to add me on Facebook. I asked if they used a condom, she said no and asked if he had anything. I told her not to my knowledge but he has done before but years ago. I was trying to just make a joke out of it all. I said she was lucky for having such a good shag and she pulled a face. How dare she think he was shit in bed?! He is the best and she certainly shouldn’t be picky. At least I wasn’t jealous of her looks! I can’t remember what else was said but we were all smiley and thought it was over.

The rest of the night out isn’t really important… It didn’t end well basically. I got home and me and Sweet Pea started arguing. This girl and two other people had rung him saying I had threatened her and saying he had an STD. Everything that had happened and been said had been twisted. I tried to tell him my side but he doesn’t believe me. It was a horrible conversation. He kept on saying how I had dicks in me, that I had no right to be upset. I tried to kill myself. I got ready to hang myself but started throwing up and I was too distraught to do anything. I sobbed. I sobbed so hard.

I have so many fucking emotions. I have no idea how to put it in to words. I think I need more time. I just needed to get out what happened last night. I am scared to look at him. I’m even going to stay with my mum so I don’t have to be around him. I can’t cope. I know I did stuff first and he had every right to have sex with someone, but I am in so much pain. He said he isn’t that kind of guy. He didn’t use a condom! Just saying that makes me burst into tears. How could he not use a condom? I feel so sick. I know I planned to fuck someone but I knew I would cancel. I knew I couldn’t go through with it. It is my own fault he had sex with someone else. I shouldn’t have done the things I did. I hate myself. I don’t know how to move on. It’s only been a month and half but it feels like a lifetime. It is going to take forever to get over him. I wish I could just feel angry but I really don’t. I am doing my best not to cut. I’m just listening to sad songs and I need to watch all the sad films. How am I supposed to carry on with all of this pain?

It started off well…

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I have woken up in many moods this morning and I have many feelings. Right now one of the main ones is that I feel no ‘in love’ feelings with Sweet Pea. It’s weird, I still find him attractive and even tried it on with him not long ago; I got rejected and I don’t care in a hurt way, it’s more in a horny way. But I don’t feel any love towards him. I feel attracted to him and want to fuck him but I don’t feel any fucking love! I don’t know what to make of it. I know it will probably just be a thing that lasts the day and then I will feel all the love for him again, but for now it is kinda nice not to feel it.

I have also woken up to immediately talk to the new guy and it’s great. I really like him and talking to him is cool and we talk about anything… yes we have talked about sex this morning, we are both in the mood and want to fuck each other. He is attractive and funny and the way we talk to each other and the words we use are great, he seems to be too good at times as he talks about stroking and snuggling and spooning and kissing…. All the things I want and need to hear right now!

I wish I could see him today but he is working later and I am seeing some friends tonight. Seeing my friends tonight (a wonderful married couple) will possibly kill me as they are so cute and me and Sweet Pea used to go together and have such good nights getting hammered with them. He proposed to me there and they were always asking us when we were getting married and were so supportive of our relationship. I am hoping that my good mood lasts and I can make it through the night without getting too upset or upset at all. I want to just drink and have a laugh.

Ok so New Guy (might as well be his name on here!) is texting me and almost every time he does, and for the past however many days, I can’t help but grin and giggle like an idiot. I feel like a school girl. I feel all excited. I haven’t even met him!!! I swear I am not longer in my mid-twenties but in my teens! I get tingles and shivers and I am such a loser! It is so weird to be in such a good mood but to be so scared it will all turn to shit. But for now I am enjoying it so much. I can’t wait to move and buy new house things and just be on my own again and to be able to do what I want.

Today is a good day.

*EDIT BEFORE EVEN POSTING*

So I am not going to see my friends tonight as there is a sickness bug and one half of the couple has a broken toe. That sucks but I can’t be mad at them. Looks like I will be staying in, bored, lonely and probably drinking till I pass out.

Me and Sweet Pea had a fairly big argument. I had asked if it would be ok for me to bring a friend over at some point (New Guy) and said it’d just be a case of hanging out with a possible sleep over. Then sex was mentioned and moving on and being able to do what we want etc and he got angry and we shouted and he was really bothered by it. I honestly didn’t expect him to care. But it turns out he does. And I suppose it’s nice that he does but it’s also annoying as I just want to move on and hang out with people and unfortunately I does mean having New Guy or anyone else coming to the house. I know it’d be easier not to but sometimes that is the only option. I told him I wouldn’t do it seeing as it is fucking us up so much. Things are really awkward right now and my day isn’t as good as it started out to be. But I’m going to try not to get too upset about it. I know the nicest thing to do it wait till I have moved out before seeing someone else. But he is the one that broke up with me and left me broken hearted, I should be able to do whatever I want to get over him. Sure the dumped can do whatever they want and the dumpee can’t say anything as they are the ones who didn’t want that person! I am beginning to rant and it’s not going to do me any good. ARGH!!!!!!

There is A Light, It’s Very Fucking Small

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I am going to keep this one pretty short and only touch on stuff instead of diving right into them. I just wanted to be able to say a few things and get it out there and off my chest. Happy Weekend!!

So I have been in a great mood since yesterday morning. I don’t know if it’s because my meds are helping, I’m coming to terms and dealing with the break up, there is a guy friend person, A is coming back Sunday properly after staying with his dad since I was in hospital so I could slowly get back into normal life or because I’m still getting paid in January. Maybe it’s a mix of them. I can still feel the hurt inside of me but I can cope with it now. I know this may just be a phase, and even if it isn’t I know I will still have bad days. I’m not fixed all of a sudden. I still need meds and counselling and a lot of help. But right now I don’t want to cut or die and I only want to drink in a happy way.

Yesterday I went into Liverpool to talk to The Dinosaur aka my tutor and got a plan sorted out for uni work etc. I got a lift down instead of the train, it was from First Love! Me and him have been talking recently and been getting on. He broke up with his fiancée not long after I got dumped. I don’t know if that means anything, people have said to me he will want to get back with me and… ok so even he has hinted at stuff too. He did confess his love a month or so ago! But I’m not interested. I am. But I’m not. If he was the First Love I used to know, the one who I could actually have a proper talk with and who had a sense of humour then maybe. Now he is so dull to talk to and not attractive. Ok so I’ve flirted with him and we’ve even kissed a few times… and we kinda got it on in his car when we went for a drive the other week… We didn’t have sex but he did finger me… and I gave him a blow job another time. But it was awful! I know I know, I shouldn’t have done it after the first awful time but my head was all over and I needed to feel wanted and as horrible as it is, doing those things helped. But then I felt gross afterwards.

There was an incident last week too. I have a friend called J-Dog and basically I see him to get drunk and get it on. We’ve known each other years but only seen each other a handful of times. We normally text each other but he has also split with his gf and we’ve started seeing each other more. So the night in question, I was fucked off my face on zopiclone (took more than allowed) and I had taken about 6 pain killers to take the edge off things… and a joint. So I got to his house and started hammering the vodka. The bits I do remember are: Kissing him on the sofa, him going down on me on the sofa, being in his room being eaten out from behind and getting fingered. And sucking his dick. It wasn’t good. I dried up so badly but he carried on and I couldn’t be bothered saying anything. I was sore for days after! I drunkenly sent texts to Sweet Pea which didn’t really make sense but the gist was that I had had sex and that I was over him. Both things not true. Or if I did have sex I don’t remember which makes me feel awful. Me and Sweet Pea had a weird time sorting it out the day after but we managed. We are ok now. More than ok actually…

So last night we decided to play games and get a takeaway in. We were both having a good time laughing and joking and just hanging out without anyone feeling like shit. I’d gotten really warm so unbuttoned my top a bit and there were some jokes about my boobs but nothing I thought would go anywhere. Around 9 something was said and SP went over to the sofa and told me join him. I wasn’t sure what he meant and then he said ‘come over here so I can kiss you’ and it was amazing hearing those words. It didn’t go very well to begin with as I got a bit annoyed that he had only made a move because he knew I would say yes. Anyways, we fucked and it was great. We went down on each other, he fingered me while licking me out, he fucked me from behind and spanked me… all the things that make me come (when he does them). And I slept so well!

I was surprised last night happened for another reason too. I have been talking to a guy for about a week now and it’s just been nice chit chat, nothing special, but as the days have gone by we have been talking more and more. We moved onto texting each other yesterday (met on tinder) and with every text I just grinned more. I’m not saying I want to be with guy or anything, it is just nice to have someone who seems to care about your day and what not. He also asked me out and I said yes. It should be next week if all goes well. I don’t know what to expect from it so I’m just not going to over think it. He is just a person. No need to overthink! Anyways, last night while playing with SP I was texting this guy and grinning and I eventually got told to put my phone away as it was obvious a guy was making me smile like that and it was hurting him a bit. He wasn’t a dick about it, he laughed. I was shocked to hear him say he was bothered by it as so far he has been pretty cold about it all. Everything was fine between us though. I do like this new guy. Let’s see how it goes eh?!

The Vodka,The Ramblings and The Usual Crap

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Ok, I have only had one drink so far so there is a possibility this will at least start off making sense… but my head is so fucked up it probably won’t! Today has been weird. I woke up feeling nothing but throughout the day I have felt angry, desperate, lonely, unbearable and soul crushingly sad. I uttered the words ‘this is the right thing’ and it felt hollow, because it is. It’s not the right thing to do. We belong together, surely I’m not the only one who thinks that! My heart hurts, my stomach is in knots, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking and fantasising about him; not in a sexy way, in a ‘how I wish things would work out’ way. I imagine what things will be like once I move and having months apart to concentrate on me and my son, how I would bump into him looking and feeling amazing, how he would regret not being with me, how he would want me back… I know it will never happen, but it helps me get through the day and helps me sleep. I wonder if he thinks about me, in any kind of way, but I want him to think about me and how much of a mistake this is and how much pain he is in and I want him to be destroyed like I am but he isn’t! He doesn’t cry or care or even act like the person I thought I knew

So I can’t make my mind up whether being single is good or bad. Alright, I know it sucks. I am on Tinder (gross) and it just makes me so depressed. People are shit. I miss having someone I can properly talk to and enjoy my time with and feel comfortable with. Being single means dealing with fuckboys and horrible lines and being lonely. So yeah it means I can fuck whoever I want, I don’t have to think about anyone else but myself… that is all I can think of. And I don’t even want to fuck anyone else. Yes, I like thinking of myself but I enjoy cooking for someone else and thinking of their needs and wants. I miss looking forward to someone coming home and knowing I’m going to be kissed and told I’m loved. Knowing I will be spending the evening with my best mate who I get to kiss and tell anything. Being single fucking sucks. I never saw myself as a relationship person but I am.

I feel good! I feel…not happy, but something… up, high, something. I feel it! Yes I’ve had a few drinks and I am watching an awesome film and I’m alone drinking and about to eat pizza and been talking to an ok guy. I feel ok about the break up. I feel it was the right thing. For now. You’ll have probably noticed that this attitude changes a lot! But for now its thinking being single is good. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I can be alone but not lonely. Maybe when the ex comes home (we still live together as I can’t move out till January) things will change. Maybe I’ll be sad and want him, maybe I will be pathetic again and have an argument or say something stupid. But for now I feel like I can cope with it all. I am funny and gorgeous and all those nice things people say they are. That is me. I am awesome.

Right, so he come back home and it’s all fine. We’ve talked normally and laughed and what not. We went to the door for a cig and I was already finding myself getting horny because he is the sexiest person ever; I smelt his smell and I thought I was going to die. I love his natural smell and when he wears this nice aftershave stuff it mingles so well and it drives me wild. He could tell I was thinking something as I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling and I wanted to tell him but I don’t want him to know how I feel. i wish he would just grab me and kiss me and fuck me and let me smell him and grab him and just be with him for another night. He smells so fucking good and right now I can feel my heart beating and I’m sweating and I’m shaking and I just want to fucking rip his clothes off!!!!!!!

Well I’ve sobered up and I feel fine. I suppose numb and tired are more accurate, I’m too tired to care. Why waste any more time and hope? It is pointless. Right now I give up. I don’t want to fight for him. I just want to move on.

Drunk Ramblings of a Mad Woman

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I drank last night unsurprisingly. I ended up writing about some things. I don’t know exactly what I said, I know it was mainly about Sweet Pea. This was what my drunk broken heart needed to get out last night. I feel like writing now but I am gong to hold off till tonight hopefully. I feel much of my stuff may get repeated but I need to get everything out in as many ways as possible while I work through all this…

My fiancé broke up with me. It has been 3 weeks and 4 days. I didn’t see it coming. Even now I am in shock. We promised we would always talk and work on things and never give up, even if I killed someone. It wasn’t even two weeks before he broke up with me that we went away for my birthday. He wrote such nice things in my card. He bought me amazing presents. He got me personalised wrapping paper. We had so much fun together and I was so happy. He always made me laugh. Yes we had problems, who doesn’t? I suffer from depression, he gets angry, I drink too much, he is selfish… there are more things but nothing I thought was a deal breaker. It was always things I thought we could work through and always be together.

My depression started to come back in the late summer. I stopped showering and dressing myself, I stopped cleaning and began to slowly drink more. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stopped talking as much. I was a little scared of him… not because I thought he would hit me, he just got annoyed and angry quite easily and that kinda shit scares me. It was awful. I would shake in fear. Writing it down makes it sound so much worse than what it was, or maybe that is me in denial. I would cower from him. I would be scared to talk to him. Was I being paranoid or was it real? Whatever it was, I still believed we could work on it.

I can’t say it was one thing that set my depression off, there were loads of things and sometimes it just fucking happens. I feel like I have to explain why I get depressed and I’m sick of it. Yes there were things but also maybe it just happened!!! Yes I got a little freaked when I moved in with Sweet Pea but that went pretty quickly. Yes I started uni which is a two hour train journey alone. Yes my dad and step mum disowned me. Yes I got sexually assaulted. Yes I made no friends and had no social life. But I also got engaged! I got engaged to my best friend. I didn’t react well to it but not because I didn’t want to. I had built it up in my head for years, how I want to get engaged. I always wanted it to be special and meaningful and romantic; not necessarily in a stereotypical way, but in a personal way. It was mine and SP’s anniversary at the end of August and a couple of days before, I gave him my present which was a scrap book of our first year together. I was embarrassed but he loved it and I loved that he loved it. He went upstairs and I washed up. Music was on, it was Simple Minds –  Don’t You (Forget About Me). He said he had something for me. I closed my eyes and turned around like he asked. He put a necklace on me and as I looked I saw it was a necklace he gave to me for Valentines. I could see a ring was on it but wasn’t sure what it was as the chain was short. He took it off and I turned around to find him on one knee. I was silent for a while, tingles going up and down my body. I said yes. And the fist part of the song happened. I did it and it was all amazing. We sat for the rest of the night on the sofa just talking and being all happy and glowing. Then the day after I started to feel upset about it all. It wasn’t romantic. It was nothing. Or that is how I felt for a while and I felt bad about it. The ring didn’t fit, I wouldn’t get it for ages as it needed doing blah blah blah. I was a bitch. It was about 3 weeks later, we went to see friends. He proposed to me again, with the ring in front of them. We had agreed to keep our engagement to ourselves, at my doing. I had told him to do it again. That was the story we told me people. I was so happy yet felt so bad I had made such a horrible mess of it. Right now I don’t blame him for leaving me. He should have done it sooner.

I wish I could write everything down, in it’s proper order, but I can’t right now. Maybe one day I will be able to write all this down with a clear head instead of this horrible pain. I wish I could see it all clearly but I fucking can’t. I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. I should say having my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. And it is, but in a different way. This was the love I have always wanted. The love I always needed. The love I always hoped for. I had someone I could be myself around, tell them my hopes and dreams and fears and all that bullshit. It was all the crap that is forced down your throat. But it was real, real life love which is so much better than films and songs. He was my person. Even through the depression I felt a weird happiness with him. I told him things that weren’t supposed to be told to the love of your life. I told him I wanted to fuck other people, that I thought about my ex and how I wanted to fuck him, how I would go for drives with him and hold his hand, how I would email him and talk to him instead of my love. I destroyed my love. I self destruct when things go well for me. I try to push away any happiness. I thought I was over all that shit but obviously not. I wish I could fucking explain my head. Sometimes I can but I never write it down or say it out loud. I just think it. I want to do the big romantic gesture that is done in films but I know it wouldn’t work. I want to do the boombox. I want to stand in the field waiting for him. I want to fill the house with flowers and candles. I want to do something that proves to him I am sorry and will win him back. I want to be able to tell him how much I love him but there are no words. No actions. I can’t force him to marry me and even that wouldn’t be a good enough action to show my love. I am a useless dick. He doesn’t want me.

Ok so, Sweet Pea is the most beautiful person I have ever known. He has this smile, it’s open mouthed and shows a bit of gum, crinkles his eyes up and they twinkle at me. His smile is full of love and life and always made my belly flop. His booming laugh. His jaw, squishy nose, perfect eyebrows, his thick long dark hair… His body wasn’t perfect, he had flaws, he was slim with grabbable fleshy parts, his skin was pale and pasty and had blemishes and I loved it, I loved running my hands all over his body, tracing his scars with my fingers, kissing his body and loving every inch of it. His imperfections made him even more perfect to me. He destroyed what I thought I wanted and gave me even more. He was kind, so kind, and caring, and loving, and funny, and smart, he used what I like to call proper words, not boring words, he was always making me laugh and laughing at what I said, he listened and talked, he repeated stories and I used to love picking on him but also loved listening to his tell me the same things, his hairy feet, his inability to grow facial hair, his gorgeous smell, the way he would sweat when we fucked, his arse, his dick of course… it was the perfect length and was thick and tasted amazing, his hands, his arms, his legs were wonderful, thick with the right amount of hair, his stomach, his huge tongue, his perfect lips, the way he kissed me, the way he loved my son… our son, he is so great with A and takes care of him and does the nursery run. I could keep going and I probably will….

So it’s been a couple of hours, I just watched a film and right now I want to fight. As in fight for my relationship. I know he said he doesn’t want to be with me, but I can’t just roll over and give up. I want to prove to him that I love him. Show him that we can work on things. That I can overcome my crap and be together. I want to stop fucking about, I want to stop talking or even thinking about other people and I want to wait for him. I don’t want to push him or be too in his face about it. I know I need to get stuff sorted before anything can happen. I know I risk losing him forever, either on his own or with someone else. But I will take that risk, because I know we are supposed to be together. I know I am supposed to spend my life with him and I will do whatever it takes. He is my Sweet Pea, my person, my love, my best friend. I am going to fucking fight for this. I am going to try my hardest, do my best at being the person I know I can be, the person I want to be, the person he deserves. He deserves the best, he deserves it all and I am going to be the one that gives it to him. I am going to keep to myself, no more fucking about, I will do counselling and get help for my drinking and get myself into a better place. I have to fix myself before I can win him back. I have to think of myself while thinking of him. I am going to win my best friend back. I love him more than words can say. I don’t need to cry, I need to work on myself. I don’t need to mope, I need to get better. I don’t need to worry or be jealous, I will win him over in time. I love him. I will always love him

Suicide Notes

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

Yesterday I was feeling suicidal. I have been feeling this way for a while now. I was recently in a psychiatric hospital. I have started cutting again. I drink almost every day. My life has gone to shit. I don’t feel up to pouring my heart out about it all right now, but I will soon. I’ve been neglecting my blog for a while, I haven’t had the energy. This was supposed to be a place I could use to tell about my life and rant and just be ridiculously honest and I want to start writing. Even this little bit is making me feel better and I can feel myself about to get into the whole story of my fucked up life so I am going to stop now…kinda.

I decided to write out mini suicide letters to a few people and describing what I want my funeral to be like. I kept it fairly short and had fun talking about my funeral. I wanted to share this with whoever reads my blog. I need to share it with someone.

 

To my wonderful (son) A,

You are the most beautiful person I know. When I look at you I see a hazy glow; I see a perfect boy and I am so proud that I made you. You were a gorgeous baby and even though things were rocky while I learnt to care for you and give you all my love, once I got there I knew that was the only place I wanted to be. I wanted to be your mother, I wanted to love you and my God do I love you. I love you more than words could ever say. I miss you with every fibre of my being even when you are just upstairs asleep. I constantly worry that you are hurt or upset or just in need of a hug and an ‘I love you’. I know you will grow up to be a fiery, independent person. I will love you no matter what. Never be afraid to be yourself. I want to say so much more to you but I would never have the time or the words. You are my baby, you are my everything and more. I love you Aleks. I wish I could see you and hug you and kiss you, I am so sorry to miss out on watching you grow. Please don’t be mad at me. I have had so many people tell me I should think of you in all of this and not to give up but it’s not as easy as that. I am never going to be able to explain this to you, please just understand I am in so much pain it hurts to live, to breathe. I love you to the moon and back, always remember ‘Sail Away’ and don’t get shit tattoos!

 

To my darling Sweet Pea (ex-fiancé),

I have never felt pain like this. I have been struggling with this pain every day, my meds don’t help, the nut house didn’t help… nothing can fix a broken heart. I know you had to do it to make yourself happy, I was no longer making you happy and that in itself pains me. I wanted to give you my all. I wish I could have explained things to you before it got too late. You are my one true love, my person, my best friend, my lover, my all. I knew from early on that I was going to fall in love with you, that should have been a sign as to just how much I was going to love you. I only ever wanted you, please believe that. I know things have been said and done and I regret every bit of it. I was drunk and/or vulnerable. I know those seem like shitty excuses but I have nothing else. Right now I would rather you never looked at another girl but I know that is silly so… I hope you find some nerdy girl you can play games with and see bands with, have conversations about everything with and just someone you can love more than you ever imagined. I want you to be happy. I loved you with everything I had, and I always will. You are also a cunt.

 

To First Love,

I never stopped loving what we had when we were young. I know we always had this connection, that electric, but I haven’t loved you in a long time. I thought you were my soul mate, I really did, but then I met the real one. I am sorry for all the crap I caused for you. I really am glad that you found someone to love you and for you to love back and finally be in a stable relationship. I am glad she is so good with A. Our boy loves you so much and I know that when I am gone you will do your best. Don’t conform to gender stereotypes, don’t be a homophobe and let A be who he wants to be. He likes pink and Barbie and makeup… Just let him do it!  I do love you, I’m just not in love with you. You are the father of my child and that means a lot. We had some really great times together and I thank you for being there for me recently, it did help.

To my mother

I have never felt like you loved me. No amount of clothes or holidays or money you through at me made me feel love. You were always cold and distant and never showed or said anything affectionate. You were always putting me down and criticising me and comparing me to other people. You would shout at me if I didn’t like the same clothes as you and you seemed to hate me the more I grew into my own person. I never got over any of that. Even now it still bothers me but I have learnt to ignore it and laugh it away. I do want to say thank you for being able to do those things for me though, the holidays and clothes etc. were great. If it wasn’t for you I would never have met Simon! In my own weird way, I do love you, but not in the way a daughter should love a mum. I wish I could say nicer things, I’m not trying to hurt you, but I have to be truthful. Again, I could say so much more but I don’t feel it has to be done.

 

To Step Dad,

You were a great dad. I love you. Even though you are a ginger. Thanks for loving me and letting me be your daughter.

 

To Sister,

You are a pain in my arse. But I love you. I want you to grow up to be strong and independent and feel like you can accomplish anything. Don’t let people destroy you. There is nothing wrong with not following the crowd. I hope you find yourself and stick to it, even if you don’t and it takes you years to be who you are, have fun finding yourself but please don’t be a sheep. You are gorgeous, don’t let mother call you fat or judge you.

 

Funeral

I want to be cremated. DO NOT BURY ME! Ideally I would like a bit of me to be left to A, if anyone else wants me that is fine. If Sweet Pea wants to then I’d like him to keep a bit of me (you could keep me somewhere I can watch and judge all the girlfriends you have haha). I want to be burned like a hunter (Supernatural). On the way in or however it is, I want Simple Minds –  Don’t You (Forget About Me) and everyone has to do the fist bit. At the end when I am getting burned I want Joy Division – Atmosphere. Red roses are the only flowers needed. If you can put shit in my coffin before I’m burned then I totally want people to leave nice things for me. I would like my Simon pictures, my red heart, a picture of me and A, a picture of me and Sweet Pea… that’s all I can think of. Please colour my hair too, I want to look good! It is Directions hair dye in Pastel Pink. I want an open coffin so people can see how hot I look in death and feel a mixture of sadness and horniness (for people not related to me). I have a black dress, Sweet Pea knows the one! I look amazing in it. Anything else, just sort yourself. I am done.

Goodbye x

Life Sucks Right Now

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I’m depressed. I have had mental health issues for so many years, I have forgotten what it is like to be ‘normal’. Last Sunday I was really wanting to share my day with you but on Monday my brain decided to switch. I still want to share how much of an amazing day it was with you but I can’t do it right now. I have just wanted to be alone in the dark, not thinking or talking or doing anything. Even now it is hard to even write any words but I feel like I should as it might help. Maybe. I haven’t done any work, I haven’t really done anything, I managed to get some swimming done and had a hair appointment. It exhausted me being around people and acting like I am ok. I can’t remember the last time I showered properly, I don’t remember when I last shaved or tried to look like a human being. I feel sick all the time, I don’t want to leave the house but I don’t want to be stuck inside. I feel like I am a black hole sucking all life out of everything. My fingers feel empty writing this. I want to cry, and have cried many times. I got hammered yesterday, started at 1 in the afternoon which isn’t a bad time… says the person who was on the floor pissed unable to move by 5pm. I don’t remember much of it. My partner helped me, didn’t judge me, told me he was there for me and told me he loved me. I feel like I don’t deserve him, don’t deserve his love or kindness or anything he has to offer me. He has given so much to me and I feel like I have given him nothing in return. He wants to marry me, we are engaged and planning our wedding. He is my world, I just can’t feel that way right now and it makes me feel worse. That I am unable to give him the love I know I have for him. He is sat opposite from me right now, working from home as he didn’t want me to be alone today. I keep looking up at him and thinking he is the most beautiful person I have ever known. He did a naked dance for me this morning to cheer me up. He was just in his converse waggling his dick about and shaking his body. It was really funny, And so nice of him too. I know it sounds silly but it was a nice gesture. I’ve already napped today and I am still tired. I am always tired. I am back on medication. I know the first couple of weeks on meds are hard and I am trying to just fight through it. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. It is just things that are on my mind. I really like the new Adele song. I want to drink again. I want to lay down all day in the dark. I want to hold hands. I want to smash the room. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to be happy.

Depressed

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

I was going to write a post about my day yesterday. It was such a good fucking day which makes today so much worse. The short of it is I had to take my little boy to the doctors and while there I talked to the doctor about feeling anxious and depressed again and I am now back on meds. I haven’t been on meds for depression for over two years now. I feel like such a failure and a disappointment and like I am a horrible shit stupid useless bitch. All day it’s been slowly getting worse. I have no energy, I am miserable, I’m hungry yet don’t want to eat but do, I want to drink, I want to chain smoke, I want to cry, I want to be in the dark, I want attention but don’t want to bother people, I want to kiss and hug but I can’t bring myself to do it, I need to clean the house but can’t, I want to just lay down and never get up, I want to sleep, I want to watch tv, I want to go to bed, I want to be alone but also be with my OH, I want to talk to someone but don’t want to tell them how I feel. I feel heavy, like I am covered in weights. My head hurts, my chest hurts, my body hurts.

Yesterday was a great day, I want to tell you all about it but I just can’t right now.

Handsome Man

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

A few years back when I was online dating aka casual fucking, I got chatting to an older man who was twice my age. He was gorgeous; dark curly hair that was quite long, stubble, nicely dressed, great smile, in a band… he was just gorgeous. We eventually arranged to meet for a few drinks, nothing with too much commitment as we both needed to get last transport home. We met at a pub and he was dressed smartly in his work clothes and his coat collar popped, looking all dreamy. We chatted quite easily which surprised me, I thought it would be a struggle with the age gap. He had teenage kids and he liked to travel and we didn’t have much in common but we had fun. After a while it was obvious we were into each other. We sat on one of the comfy sofas snogging each other’s faces off with not a care who saw. We moved onto another pub and on the walk there he grabbed me and got me against a wall and began kissing me. It was so fucking hot, even now the memory makes my nipples go hard and a shiver go up my spine. The night eventually ended, no fucking at the end, just snogs and a ‘let’s do this again some time’… I never saw him again. We spoke a few times afterwards but it stopped. I think we both knew it was nothing, at the most it would have been sex and I know it would have been some good sex!

He isn’t the only older guy I’ve been with, the other one who was almost twice my age wasn’t as nice and the story isn’t a happy one… I will tell you another time.

Anal Virgin

Posted on by anordinarilycrazygirl

My first time having anal sex was when I was 16. It was mine and First Loves first time doing it. It wasn’t planned, we were just fucking and trying out positions when we decided to do it. This was in the first year together and we were constantly fucking. This night in particular, I was sat on the bed which had a wooden board with a small ledge. I had my legs spread and First Love was pounding in to me when all of a sudden the wooden ledge broke. We were in a fit of giggles. We were rolling about exploring each other when I suggested anal. We didn’t have lube so used moisturiser instead. I was all fours when I felt his penis near my arse. I began to crawl away laughing with him follwing on his knees. This kept happening till I had no more bed to crawl on. We were laughing and I told him to go in slow. Somehow it went in and wasn’t painful. After this, we did anal occasionally as I didn’t want to have my arse fucked too often. Every now and then it would kill so we couldn’t do it. I enjoyed it every time it worked though.

My friends thought anal was bad and gross and wrong, they never understood how I could enjoy it. I’ve only had anal with two people, it’s not something I can do with just anyone. I took Sweet Peas anal virginity, we have anal sex most times we fuck. It’s amazing and I always come. So does he. I’ve used a vibrator in my vagina while being fucked in the arse and also used a strap on dick which goes on the guys dick so I can have double penetration but it hurt so haven’t tried it for a while.

Thankfully I’ve never shit on anyone…. properly. A small blob ended up on First Loves dick and we just howled with laughter. I have to hand it to First Love, I always had a laugh with him during sex.